The ‘Warning Signs’ Of My Generation
Last month I had a conversation with a friend I was meeting after a long time. My failed engagement came up. It would, of course, itβs one of the biggest things to happen to me in the past ten years. The good thing is itβs not THE biggest thing, only one of the big ones. Others have been quitting my job, writing two books and a column, going freelance, losing a grandparent and an uncle, getting a business partner, being an entrepreneur, changing professional streams, becoming a spoken word performer and moving houses thrice.
I talked about all the things that I thought might have gone wrong. Then he asked me something that stopped me midway through food as well as through the βIβm okayβ trajectory I seem to have been on since the breakup. He said,
βAll these warning signs. Why did you go through with it? Why did you stay with him?β
I sputtered at first and said, what what warning signs? I canβt see them. But I know what he sees as warning signs. An abusive childhood. A product of a broken marriage. Dysfunctional relationships with the family. The angry activism. No, Iβm still not seeing it. These are not a personβs fault. Would it be fair for me to walk away from someone because these things had happened to them?
Yet, after everything I experienced, I often wonder whether this relationship was my punishment for being empathetic, for wanting to look beyond a personβs past and family and love them for who they were. Itβs convenient to say that itβs not. But Iβm left with a broken relationship with someone who doesnβt have the capacity for respect, let alone trust or love. And none of that is my fault, so why should I be bearing the social stigma, not to mention the humiliation and heartache of this?

Then thereβs the other side of it. Letβs say I start heeding the βwarning signsβ. Where shall we draw the line on what comprises these? A person who has had many relationships before? A manipulative parent? (Hah! Find me one Indian with βfamily valuesβ who doesnβt have this). How about a fluctuating career graph? Well, Iβll need to blacklist myself then.
Suddenly, Iβm finding a lot of people in my age-generation are getting divorced. They were living the ideal dream of my generation. This is the breed of people that emerged into adulthood in the millenium, grabbed up the professional avenues that the internet, IT, offshoring & mobile telephony offered and married in their mid-20s. A lot of them had been βaverageβ or even underachievers but the millenium brought new promises in the form of foreign shores, multinational employment, early entrepreneurship etc. It brought its own problems tooβββdisplacement, several culture shock, stress, opportunities and motivation to cheat. So, Iβm not actually that surprised at this happening.
Many of them are friends and thereβs even an old boyfriend or two in there. Suddenly, thereβs a new pool of people available to me for friendship, relationships and more. I say friendship too because this group of people just like their more traditional counterparts sunk their lives and time within their marriages, leaving no room for other interests and associations. But theyβre all citizens of the world and theyβre surviving the shocks in a multitude of ways. One has reverted to the bachelor lifestyle, sharing βa padβ 90s Friends style with two flatmates. Another has gone on a rampage of the classical wildchild sort with red hair and serial hookups. In addition to these so-called vices though, theyβre also starting up new ventures, quitting deadend jobs, taking off on solo trips, signing up for marathons and rallies. The flash-and dazzle has not gone out of my generation yet.
A part of me is heaving a sigh of relief at this happening. Obviously, Iβm not happy that something like divorce is happening at an individual level to people I know. But I feel a little less alone in my own unconventional choices. I have people around me who suddenly understand that relationships are not bedrocks of reliability and that life is too short to waste on one company or profession.
In addition, the twenty-somethings Iβve been dating for years are starting to feel like a compromise Iβm not required to make anymore. There is nothing wrong with them. But theyβre working towards goals that are not mine, struggling with life choices that Iβve experienced enough to know theyβre not important. I cannot impose my lessons on them. These are experiences one must live through and be shaped by, on oneβs own. But people whoβve faced these the same times as I have, theyβre coming back into the space of being available and accessible.
Weβre a new kind of people with our own never before seen problems and challenges. Weβre having to redefine who we are, let alone what relationships and other people mean to us. Now, what are the βwarning signsβ Iβll need in order to navigate these people with care? I can only tell you after Iβve been down the road and put down the markers for the ones who come after.

That’s a sharp observation how our life has shifted and often it takes a toll on our state of being. What do we make of it? Honestly! I dunno!! I was shocked in reading the impending divorce of a friend who got a raw deal out of marriage. Guess, that’s how things are taking toll on our lives.
@vishalbheeroo: We are in flux. Change more than ever is a constant part of our lives. I guess all we can do is appreciate what we do have and hope that whatever comes next will not kill us too badly.
I swear. It’s an ever flowing tide and our attitude is the turning point.