A thick sheet of plastic over a boiling cauldron of black, festering poison. That’s me. A year – that’s how long it takes to grow this. I’ve been in a strange mood all month. It’s pain like I cannot even begin to articulate. So much that I’m numb. I lost the entire month of February, being unwell, asleep and drifting in disoriented confusion through questions like,
“What are you going to do next?”
I don’t know and I don’t even know to explain how or why that is the case. Having been a burning force of desire all my life – bottomless want for a goal, an object, a person’s affections, an intangible like attention – has driven me and taken me to achievement as well as over the disappointment of not achieving. Now, I just feel empty. Desireless is dead, as far as I’m concerned.
But today somebody asked me, in a way that I had to answer because I knew the answer and I couldn’t lie,
“How are you?”
And all at once that non-biodegradable, suffocating sheet of plastic formed a little hole and a stream of blackish hurt came oozing out. I talked and talked. And he replied, stopping only when he saw a tear ooze out of my right eye. So I continued talking.
I’m so angry. I’m so, so angry.
I’m angry at myself for having been compassionate, kind and loving to somebody who only treated me with condescension, hostility and cruelty. I’m angry at the utter coldness that must have fueled this big tamasha that was done only to buy my silence for a few months more. I’m angry at the sheer viciousness that plotted setting me up in order to dump me publicly in the most humiliating, debilitating way possible.
I’m raging at so-called friends who shut me up by lecturing me on dignified silences, the crassness of public whining and the censorship of my writing. I’m burning at the faceless groups of people who banded together with him, making my utter humiliation complete. I’m seething at the roles of strength and endurance and patience and forgiveness and maturity that I’ve been forced into playing. I’m screaming at the gag orders, the handcuffs, the closed doors and to my pain and expression.
I’m bursting with shame and indignation and fury at the thought of him speaking for women’s rights, against violence towards women, against homophobia. I’m biting on my tongue and choking back the bile when I hear about the accolades that his art gets when he performs ideas that I fought to bring into his consciousness, even words that were mine that he’s mouthing. So shamelessly. So remorselessly. So much without a conscience.
I’m beaten into submission by the sheer irony of life. A year to the day, he’s out celebrating accolades for something I first pushed him to pursue. And surprise, surprise – it’s an event in honour of Women’s Rights. Life, you make me want to slit my wrists right now.
Is there no justice in the world? And if there isn’t, damn you for wanting me to crusade but only politely, for wanting me to champion causes being hypocritically championed by such offenders, for wanting me to be the Stepfordian crusader even as I bleed. Damn, every single one of you.
I am in a world of pain, that’s how I am.