It got harder and harder to write in the end of 2021 as feelings drowned me. But I managed to grab a few words & held onto them like my last hope. I just wasn’t able to be my more industrious self & blog them. Maybe I let that side of me go in 2021. 2022 has begun with even more demands from us all, of resilience & courage. And when the question is survival, we cope with what we can.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Last year was about proving I still got it, even with four decades in my body & ambitions thwarted by patriarchy. Once a survivor, always a survivor.

Until one meets what one cannot anymore survive or fight. And that was my 2021. Succumbing to grief. Surrendering to despair. Letting go of control. Giving up hope.

And somehow, shakily, on an unstable path, I find myself still standing at the end of the year. The bruises don’t feel like war wounds anymore. They just are. All that matters is I’m still alive. Not entirely by my own effort but I’m surviving. Sometimes having checked out but I’m here now. That’s more than can be said for many others. Other people, other moments in my own life. That’s everything.

After years of fighting, then pacifying rage, I learnt to trust it. I must feel what I do. I must carry it (and this is easy because I’ve never known anyone else to do it for me). I must accept that the people who hurt me may never feel remorse. I must remember that I choose closure & I always get what I choose. I must realise that this takes its own time, never looks pretty or calm but it happens. And I must trust that my rage will not turn into violence, revenge, abuse or other pettiness. I must believe that somehow, without effort or control, I’ll find my way back to me, the best me.

I learnt to float in limbo. I still do not like it. But even liking feels heavy now. I’m adrift in a sea of emotions, some residual, some new. And I’m only now remembering my swimming lessons of not to thrash or it’ll only make me sputter & slow me down. Fear. Disappointment. Hunger. Frustration. Misery. Worry. Suprise. Solace. Inadequacy. Loyalty. Empathy. Pessimism. Rejection. Dejection. They’re all here.

Let me let them come & pass. This is my meditation for 2021. Like @purnendu.goswami says, what would life mean if I knew it all already?

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