Solitaire

I finished work a little earlier than usual. On an impulse, I went window shopping instead of heading home. I bought some music and browsed other stuff I’d never spend money on. I played ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams‘ 3 times continuously at the listening booth. Emotional solitaire. I chatted idly with the store staff for a few minutes and then drifted out.

After a while, I wandered into a coffee shop and sat down. I enjoyed a long, solitary cup of mint tea while listening to Sting, Pink Floyd, ghazals and some 80s pop all in a mixed order. I stared around at nothing much and that’s when it struck me that this was the state of contentment that I so seldom achieve. It is moments like this that make it worthwhile being single.

There was a real light-heartedness in me that came from not having to explain myself, not having to adjust to someone else, not having to sell the idea of me as I am. The relaxation that I was feeling came from the rare situation of being silent not out of submission or fear but simply because silence was beautiful.

I realise that I’m biased towards relationships, commitment, love and men by a rather bad and not necessarily typical relationship from the past. Still, we learn from the pasts that we have lived and this is mine. I find that I never achieve the kind of still clarity with other people, that I do when I’m alone. I find other people don’t always stimulate my thought processes…rather they muddle them. Men are like the slow poison, addictive at first but eventually, I have to sort out the hangover myself.

I enjoy being alone. I do like conversations with other people…….but those are like movies for me, pay the price of admission and don’t make it too much of a habit. A weekend of being all alone at home, no TV, only some music and a good book and the housework….that is an ideal vacation for me.

I am probably a loner. And I am blissful that way.