SHHH, Loud Is Not Ladylike

I was at dinner with three male friends yesterday. We were at a tiny, local restaurant known more for its cheap, tasty food than its ambience or refinement. All around us were people in groups talking, laughing and eating. The proprieter sat at one of the tables counting money while the waiters buzzed in and out of the kitchen door, mingling their words with the dinersβ conversations. The place was so tiny, that we could practically hear the rumbling of stomachs from nearby tables. Yes, that kind of place.
I only became conscious of it about half an hour into the meal. The friend who was wedged in next to me would keep going,
βShh! Shh! Softer! Donβt talk so loudly!β
Itβs not the first time Iβve heard this. I have a loud voice and a personality to match and when Iβm excited, it tends to rise. In addition, I live in a very noisy part of a very crowded city. Most of my conversations have to be conducted at a high volume just to cut across whatever cacaphony the restaurant/cafe deems is ambience music, the bandwidth my phone service provider is able to give me at peak hours and horns blaring on roads where oneβs importance is expressed by how loud and often you can honk. Wait. I donβt need to explain. Iβm loud. Period.
His relentless shushing had its effect and I fell silent for a bit. It is like being slapped hard on the face everytime someone turns to you and tells you (politely) to SHUT UP. And the noise around me immediately crowded in to cover any possible space that had opened up by my falling silent. Thatβs when I realised it. The others at the table were talking just as loudly. The people at other tables were talking loudly too. We could even hear the horns from outside. But I was the only one being made to shut up.
It took me back to many, many years ago. I had a boyfriend/friend who was a lot like meβββgregarious, popular, enjoying attention and revelling in it. He was fun to be around. He said I was fun too. But when we started dating, something new came up in our conversations. It was the word SHHHH, alternated only by SHUT UP. It even led to some truly terrible fights.
Fast forward memory. A friend telling me that I should wear more muted colours, and oh, lower your voice please, it is considered very ill-bred to speak so loudly.
And finally back to present where I realised that the man who had asked me to SHHH had gone silent. I realised he didnβt have a lot to say. But he wouldnβt let me speak either. I tried again, this time a bit more watchful. Entering conversations, starting one with the person sitting across. And there, as I had anticipated, it came again.
βSHHH!!!! Everyone is looking at us!!β
βWhere?β I asked him, βWho is looking at us? Who can hear us in this bedlam?β
He fumbled at that, obviously taken aback as he realised we werenβt sitting in the Queenβs court. Before he could come up with an answer, one of the other men added,
βTHE OTHERS ARE LOUDER THAN WE ARE!β
(thanks, mansplainer)
Our man nodded but offered up a feeble,
βButβ¦if someone complainsβ¦?β
Now here is the thing. I donβt like being apologetic for my existance. I find it hard to respect people who are apologetic for theirs. And itβs infuriating for someone to be apologetic on my behalf. It is obnoxious and degrading.

I donβt think this man any more than the boy I dated all those years ago, realises he isΒ doing this. I chalk it down to yet another one of those sins men commit against women, while talking loudly about how much they respect womenβββmansplaining, interrupting, gaslighting and just not taking us seriously. Shutting women down is yet another of those things that men seem to do instinctively in our culture, without realising theyβre doing it. This man is a nice guy and my friend. But he did not dare to or care to shut down any of the others at our table or at the other tables. The guy I dated had no qualms being the OTT foghorn himself but he had a big problem with his girlfriend being the same.
I am not arguing for obnoxious behaviour. I am displeased when a stranger complains or asks me to be quiet because Iβm disturbing them in a public place. But I apologize and comply with their request. Because thatβs a stranger and in a place like a library, bookshop or a movie, I have no call disturbing them. But shutting me down in a raucous environment, especially when the same muffling isnβt happening on the men around, is not acceptable.
I am a woman with an opinion and a loud voice. I donβt feel the need to apologize for that. And if it embarasses a man, he probably has no business hanging around me.
Sahi
Bravo! I’ve been told I laugh too much. And have way to much fun. Especially in work environments.
Now.. if you are productive, enjoying and express it… and others immediately around you also become more productive, enjoy it and express it… the problem is??? We should shut up and be as miserable as the complaining person not part of our team that is getting oodles done and feeling good about it too?
Sigh… be loud & proud – just maybe not in a Library. π
The whole idea of “ladylike” is problematic in itself. Just something else made up to keep women in their place, whatever that means. I’m not particularly loud (unless I’m riled), but I’ve noticed since I’ve bevlme more vocal in my opinion and I am female that there’s quite a backlash.