There used to be an ad for a shampoo on TV that went “Dandruff is like ex-boyfriends…keeps coming back!”
Of course I’m repeating myself. Yes, this is going to be a raving post. I don’t give a damn. So here’s presenting the must-read manual for ex-boyfriends. (How I wish I could enforce that!)
1. I am not your property. I was never your property. This rule was one reason we broke up. It can be a reason for you to visit a shrink. And it is a damned good reason for you to stop hounding me.
2. I decided not to marry you and have 2.5 kids. I decided not to date you. I even decided not to be nice to you any more. And I decided this around the time you decided that I was stubborn. What makes you think I’ll change my mind now? Also, if you dumped me, I’m definitely not taking you back. Remember stubborn…it’s a good word.
3. My love life/sex life or lack of it thereof is NOYB. That translates to None Of Your Business.
4. Your love life/sex life or lack of it thereof is of no interest to me. ‘Sympathetic ex-girlfriend’ is not a myth. It is not even a phrase in the English dictionary.
5. If you’re getting married, don’t be so juvenile as to send me photographs. And definitely don’t be stupid enough to send me an invitation. There’s no telling what I’ll do next.
6. My friends are attractive, intelligent women. They are also my friends. Hit on them all you want. It gives us plenty of fodder for jokes about you.
7. Oh yes, I’m aware that you’ve got friends too. Don’t send them to hound me please; they are the first suspects after a nasty break-up.
8. If you are nice to me, I may be nice to you. I can’t guarantee this. If you are nasty to me, I will be nasty to you. This you can have in writing. The best thing for you to do will be to get out of my line of sight and stay hidden.
9.Yes, there definitely is a reason I seem so much nicer after the break-up. Maybe it is because we’ve broken up.
10. A break-up spells THE END. You don’t have the rights you once used to. Deal with it, or I’ll have to spell it out. And that could get embarrassing. For you, that is.
Does anyone know why normal, reasonable intelligent men turn into either bullies or despos or slimeballs once they get the tag ‘ex-‘?