Ex-boyfriend (Photo credit: xeeliz)

There used to be an ad for a shampoo on TV that went “Dandruff is like ex-boyfriends…keeps coming back!”

Of course I’m repeating myself. Yes, this is going to be a raving post. I don’t give a damn. So here’s presenting the must-read manual for ex-boyfriends. (How I wish I could enforce that!)

1. I am not your property. I was never your property. This rule was one reason we broke up. It can be a reason for you to visit a shrink. And it is a damned good reason for you to stop hounding me.

2. I decided not to marry you and have 2.5 kids. I decided not to date you. I even decided not to be nice to you any more. And I decided this around the time you decided that I was stubborn. What makes you think I’ll change my mind now? Also, if you dumped me, I’m definitely not taking you back. Remember stubborn…it’s a good word.

3. My love life/sex life or lack of it thereof is NOYB. That translates to None Of Your Business.

4. Your love life/sex life or lack of it thereof is of no interest to me. ‘Sympathetic ex-girlfriend’ is not a myth. It is not even a phrase in the English dictionary.

5. If you’re getting married, don’t be so juvenile as to send me photographs. And definitely don’t be stupid enough to send me an invitation. There’s no telling what I’ll do next.

6. My friends are attractive, intelligent women. They are also my friends. Hit on them all you want. It gives us plenty of fodder for jokes about you.

7. Oh yes, I’m aware that you’ve got friends too. Don’t send them to hound me please; they are the first suspects after a nasty break-up.

8. If you are nice to me, I may be nice to you. I can’t guarantee this. If you are nasty to me, I will be nasty to you. This you can have in writing. The best thing for you to do will be to get out of my line of sight and stay hidden.

9.Yes, there definitely is a reason I seem so much nicer after the break-up. Maybe it is because we’ve broken up.

10. A break-up spells THE END. You don’t have the rights you once used to. Deal with it, or I’ll have to spell it out. And that could get embarrassing. For you, that is.

Does anyone know why normal, reasonable intelligent men turn into either bullies or despos or slimeballs once they get the tag ‘ex-‘?

17 thoughts on “Manual for Ex-boyfriends”
  1. Brilliant…….especially the last point….why do men ignore you when you’re with them….and then they turn into a combination of psychotic stalker/obsessive maniac as soon you dump them?…..it is for this reason they’re Ex-es and not present-s……:P

  2. 1- He never thought you were his property. Seriously. Yes, he did try to give you that feeling, but that’s only because he thought that if he didn’t give you that feeling, then you would, in turn think, that he didn’t feel possessive of you, and consequently didn’t love you. He did it for you, woman. He did it for you.

    2- He just loves you very much. He and you both decided to have 2.5 kids together. You did give him the hopes, and he took them without a word. You probably would not take him back again. But if he doesn’t try, he didn’t wanna move on with the thought, ‘Heck, I should have tried.’

    3- He just wants you to know that he cares. He might come across as ‘nosy’, but he only is looking after your well-being. If you are having some sex life, he’s just playing jealous for your satisfaction. And if you are not having any, then he just wants to let you know that you have an option.

    4- Luckily, on a collective basis, all your ex-bfs didn’t have English as their first language at home, so in their respective tongues, ex-gf always sleeps with them come what may. I am trying to convince them it is a myth. I’ll progress to not there in their dictionary as well at a later stage.

    5- Yeah, that one guy went overboard. I tried telling him it’s of no use. But he just wouldn’t listen. He said, mebbe that act would convince her to take me back. You know, how he keeps saying, ‘I don’t wanna move on, thinkin’ I should’ve tried.’ What could I say to that!?

    6- Oh yeah, that was silly. He thought he could make you jealous. I told him that it wouldn’t work, but he just wouldn’t listen. Same ‘try no move on’ bullcrap again. I raised my hands.

    7- Hee hee…I am sorry, but one of those top hat guys with fake moustaches was me. I’ll stay away, I promise.

    8- Hey, we don’t have a restraining order from you as yet. So, until then, he can do what he likes/wants. You are of course free to be as nasty or nice as you want.

    9- Aaaah. He just keeps thinking that he’ll say nice things to you, even lies, and you’ll get back to him. I have tried convincing him otherwise.

    10- I am working on this with him. I have reached the ‘E’ in ‘the’, but he’s learning.

    ~Attorney for your ex-boyfriends.

  3. […] Does anyone know what the best ‘ex’ policy is? I admire…no, I am deeply envious of those enlightened souls who are ‘great friends’ with their exes. They’ve obviously got it all figured out just great and I haven’t reached my Bodhi tree as yet. I am struggling, as yet in vain, to define just how to deal with that increasing species called ex-boyfriends. (Here and here are some previous attempts) […]

  4. This all sounds really strange..
    I personally cant identify with this article at all.
    Even though I am not in touch with my ex-boyfriends, I have never felt this kind of animosity for any of them.
    Even today, they are nice people who I once loved(? I guess..who knows)…..I think we cant actually hate people we have once loved.
    You just stop being in love with them, you dont stop loving them.

    You obviously dont agree :))

  5. @ someonearbit: It totally depends on the kind of person you are, who they are, the way your relationship was. I’m good friends with one person I dated because he just is a great human being. On the other hand, I’m rather indifferent to some and also vehemently vindictive with a few (one only actually).

    If you are on good or even neutral terms with your ex-boyfriends, I’d say you’re lucky and perhaps extremly sorted out.

  6. im recovering from a really bad break-up but after reading diz peom i could not stop krackin up..diz is da shizz

  7. @ izzy: I’m glad it did. Laughter is therapeutic and this blog at least ATTEMPTS to take a lighter look at some of the most complicated things in our lives. Hope you’re doing fine now.

  8. Great stuff~~~

    I loved #5 and #8!
    As for your question at the end –
    I have dated guys that seemed very intelligent and interesting and no matter who broke up with who, seemed to really change after the break up. Maybe they were just faking to impress or trying to be someone they aren’t? I am not saying that this is true for all men.

  9. @ Courtney: But it does make one wonder, doesn’t it? I totally know what you mean. And thanks for commenting, I do hope I’ll see you here again!

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