Boyzoned! (No, Not Those Guys)
No, Iβm not referencing my generationβs equivalent of Justin Bieber (times 5). Iβm speaking of a very specific phenomenon that happens between men and women.
Say youβre a single woman who is friendly and lives in a place that affords plenty of interaction with both sexes. Most menβs first interaction with you tends to be at least a little flirtatious. You learn not to take it too seriously. After all, you donβt want to be one of those girlsβββthe ones that imagine wedding bells ringing whenever a guy smiles at them. So, no, whatever, really, you thought I was going to go soppy on you, no dude, we are splitting the bill equally. You know youβve had a close shave when the guys bitch and snark about those girls. Youβre a Cool Girl.
It happens so suddenly you never see it coming. A burp here, a torn/food-stained teeshirt there. Itβs okay, heβs human. Oh never mind that you NEVER do any of that around him.
Then he keeps you waiting for an hour and when he shows up, he says he got caught. Fine, you fume a bit but you get late sometimes too. Then he starts telling you about what a horrible week heβs had and how his job sucks. Well, you listen. I mean what else can you do? And he leaves before you get a chance to tell him youβve been working 14 hour days straight. But well, okay, maybe next time. Youβre Weβre-Close Girl.
Itβs all cool for awhile except heβs really busy. Then when you meet and youβre aching for some nice company, heβs distracted. He shows up on time but heβs constantly whipping out his phone. You go silent. He doesnβt even notice. Then he looks around (never at you) and says this place isnβt that great, how about leaving? You realise he is just not that into you. You thank your stars you didnβt fall in love. You eat some chocolate, drink some wine, talk a little too long to a girlfriend and then itβs okay. Youβve got a couple of other people calling and asking you out anyway. Youβre Independent Girl.
Two weeks later he calls when youβre in a meeting. You canβt take his call and when youβre finished with work, you just want to go home and get to sleep. He calls again the next day and you canβt take the call just then, your head hurts because your period is due and you donβt really feel much like talking. Then your Whatsapp starts pinging like crazy so you have to look at it. He wants to know why you havenβt been responding and whatβs wrong and are you feeling okay? You smile at the phone and think thatβs sweet and tell him youβre not feeling too well so taking a day off. You have a pretty nice conversation on Whatsapp, which you donβt ask to take to a phone call. It is your day to yourself after all. You hang up after an hour feeling proud of your independence and your willpower, feeling good about the world. Even the period cramps donβt hurt so much.
The next day you call him. He doesnβt answer. Two days later you call him again. He answers with a curt, whispered βHellocanβttalkrightnowIβllcallyoubackβ. There is a phone call a day later which you donβt want to think about who initiated. Thereβs only this much willpower a girl can have right after her period. Itβs been a crazy time he tells you. Same here, you say loudly, determined that this time you get to talk about your work woes too. You spend ten minutes mutual bitching and you decide to βdo that eventβ that evening. There are plenty of your common friends around so you barely have a full conversation. But itβs nice to see him. Your back is still aching so you leave early. He doesnβt offer to drop you home and if he did, youβd scoff. Pffff, are you mad, itβs only 8 oβclock, stay, have fun, Iβm alright, just want to get to bed early. Youβre No Fuss Girl.
A couple of more weeks pass. You had a couple of Tinder dates. All of them wanted instant sex. None of them even wanted a conversation. You didnβt want any of them. You are in touch. On Whatsapp. A joke, an emoji, a photo of his new Kindle, more emoji, a random sentence that you canβt decipher followed by βSry ignire plzβ. You shrug. You wonβt be GrammarNazi Girl.
One time you call to tell him about this music event youβre going to and will you hang together? He says no, heβs working really hard. You go back to being Solo Date Girl.
Itβs over a month before you hear from him. Itβs a phone call and you tell your Independence to shut up lecturing you for feeling good about seeing his name flash across your screen. Heβs calling to ask what was the name of that restaurant you went to once where you had to leave early because you didnβt like it? No, it wasnβt me you insist, heβs the one who had itchy pants that evening. He laughs at that and challenges you to a drink-off at that very place and youβll see who has itchy pants.
You meet him three days later for the drink-off. Itβs a Sunday afternoon but you might want to go home to your teddy bear after one Cosmopolitan he says. You give him a LOOK and order your usual rum-and-coke. Youβve always been A Girl Who Can Hold Her Drink. You finish before him and wait for him to catch up (sniggering, pointing out his half-full glass). He gets a call. Youβre made to give directions, cafe suggestions, accompanied by elaborate indecipherable facial expressions from him. When he hangs up, he chugs his drink and calls for the bill. What, you start to ask. He tells you he has to go, he doesnβt want to keep her waiting and will it take longer to get there by road or should he take the train? Chuck it, he says, he doesnβt want to get smelly in the train. He grabs the first cab that comes along. You get a text from him ten minutes later saying βSry babe, hope u dint mind.β Youβre starting to get a sense of what Girl he sees you as and itβs not any kind of girl. Boys treat other boys this way.
He calls a week later and this time youβre out with a new guy, your first date in ages and ages (well maybe it is, but youβre not going to be the first one to call it that). You mute the call, resolving to call him back the next day. But Whatsapp starts ringing and you have to unlock your phone to mute it. And now heβs calling again. If you donβt answer it, youβll have to tell your not-date why not. So you answer meaning to say youβre busy and can you call back. Before you can even say hello, thereβs a barrage of words flooding through the phone in his voice. You look up at the guy sitting in front of you. You listen to the guy talking to you. Which one of them is likely to stick around longer in your life? You take a deep breath. You are an independent woman and you donβt have to let a new guy dictate your life. Your friend needs you. You get up and take your phone outside. Heβs ranting about the shitty restaurant and can he come over right now? Not now, you manage to tell him, youβre outside. But youβll meet him over the week. When you return, the bill has arrived. Your not-date is not a date anymore.
Rinse and repeat, Boyzoned Girl.
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