I had my hair done today. Cropped short, coloured, highlighted…woddeva. Would you believe I don’t feel a thing now, 2 short hours later? The last time I had my hair done, the colour ran out in the shower and for a year after I endured a muddy-coloured thatch on my head. Never again I swore back then. Never say never.
Today I thought…what the hell, if I don’t like it, it’ll grow out. If I hate the haircut, it will grow back. Who cares? It ain’t gonna last.
Mum took a look at it and pronounced
It looks wild
Since it didn’t sound like a rebuke, I gather even my ‘wildness’ has become routine for her. Sometime back she accused me of getting too wild and when I demanded she explain, she said…
Your hair is a blinding red
Your clothes get shorter and tighter
You’re staying out longer every day
You refuse to get married
You can’t stay in one job
Tattoos…and now what?
I don’t know mum, I really don’t know. And I’m so glad you don’t know.
Yesterday someone told me
You’re too cynical…why?
I don’t know. I don’t want to know anymore. I just want something to stay consistent. Optimism proves me wrong each time. At least I’m on even keel with cynicism.
Haircuts grow out. Colours fade. Clothes wear out.
Frienships drift apart. Lovers cool. Family members die. Ex-es get married.
Buildings fall. Bombs go off…as do guns.
Pavement dwellers are gone….cleared away by the BMC? Or mowed over? I don’t even know.
I don’t even recognize myself from last year. I used to think I was living other people’s aspirations earlier. Now I wonder if I’m living someone else’s life. But it doesn’t matter so much. It really doesn’t anymore. Love, religion, pain, God….everything matters so much and then suddenly not at all.
Permanence…..that elusive, almost dreamlike thought.
I know I can’t afford it
Aspirational value, didn’t someone say?
Well, it doesn’t fit my budget
So I pretend it doesn’t matter
While I buy the cheaper me-toos
I have a tattoo that will last as long as I will. Does that make me wild?
* Inspired by Sapna Bhavnani‘s column in the Mirror today.