Last week, I was coming home and I stopped at a traffic signal. The car next to me had its windows down and the strains of When love and hate collide drifted to me. Oh, oh, oh. The pain of a treasured memory that will never be real again, is exquisite.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

And then, two days back, I find an an offliner on my yahoo messenger from him. It says:

You should get professional help for that masochist side you have.

Bastard. I hate him so much. Why does it hurt? It shouldn’t. Its been over three years since I threw him out of my life. And I’ve had relationships after that.

Maybe it is because I’ve never been able to rationalize that period. Never been able to come to terms with the fact that it happened. When I ask myself what I could have done to prevent it….could I have not gone for the college festival that day? But I was there to meet a friend, who just didn’t turn up on time. Could I have ignored the stranger who approached me, took me around his campus and then asked me out for coffee? Yes, I could have. But how many people do I shut out?

Towards the end, could I have behaved differently in the relationship? I certainly could have. I’ve never put my complete trust in anybody after that. Which is also another way to say I’ve learnt to ration my caring. It makes it easier to break up after that.

Speaking of which, I learnt the difficult lesson of breaking up from him. Though he wasn’t my first relationship, he is the first one I consciously, willingly, wilfully cut out of my life. It was a bitter lesson to learn and perhaps I couldn’t have learnt it any easier than that. Sometimes I wonder if it was a lesson worth learning. And then I look at the relationships that came after that. Nice men, intelligent men (but he seemed nice and intelligent too) who might have turned out to be monsters like he did, had I not ended it before they did.

It makes me feel like a coward. I don’t anymore believe in ‘sticking it out and making things work’. Or at least, I do but I am just too scared to do it anymore. I hate the fact that he continues to have such an impact on my life. He is like a constant thorn in my side, reminding me always of how the world can bleed you if you give them a chance.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Of all my numerous relationships, only two continue to dictate my behaviour and attitude. Love and hate. I can’t get over loving him and hence love will never be far from my life. And I can’t get over hating him so hatred will stay too.

17 thoughts on “Two lessons”
  1. you removed the post. titled ‘play time’ but i still read it on bloglines. and ur so right..what i think are my best posts never get commented upon, or the point is missed entirely. the location of the bridge becomes more important that the feeling it evoked. such is life πŸ˜€

  2. @ Appu: I didn’t take either of them for granted. But I’ve been steeling myself to take the ones who came after for granted. Defense mechanisms have to work.

    @ n: I took it off because I changed my mind about it. And damn…its one of the ones that got read! πŸ˜€

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  4. :). I don’t think you will ever get over him. It happens once – the losing of your fort. And only to the first person. Every other person is just so ineffective.

    Ego is great – but after seven years, you will realize how much you both like each other, and ego will be not that great ehn. And maybe it will be too late then. Think of it – a soulmate is worth it for life. I lost my hatred after seven years – and it has just left me with a lot questions unanswered. Will I get a companion with whom I live never be lonely? Do you think you will find someone better – or someone similar?

  5. You’ll get over him. He’s not right for you – because the one that’s right for you will adore you. And when you meet the person who adores you, you’ll wonder why you ever even liked him in the first place.

  6. @ Ravi: He didn’t feel that way about me so that’s not going to happen. I don’t hate him. The hatred guy is a different person and no, I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating him.

    @ Julie: Well, right or not, no one will ever be HIM. But who knows?

  7. okay. and now u’ve password protected some beautiful posts. Isnt it funny how sometimes the most beautiful things come out of something sad. A forest fire is a beautiful sight…

  8. i wonder…
    if it helps create something beautiful, i think not.
    but then,
    somethings are better unuttered, thats makes them to real.
    u have an email id?

  9. i can relate to it!!! i myself am looking 4 an answer to the question of y i still love the man who never loved me ?? he who realized too late he wasnt in love with me….

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