Shell Shock
I met somebody recently. Someone who has known me for nearly a decade, only I canβt remember them at all. All the references check out, the dates line up, the stories match. And yet, thereβs a gaping hole in my memory where this person should be.
All I can find to explain this is, that when we first connected, I was sunk deep in a toxic situation. I could barely keep my head above water and also put on a cheerful front (because it always feels like the world is full of vultures waiting for a chance to pounce). I have a way of buckling down to the business of survival when this happens. And clearly this happens often enough for me to have a way, a system even and one that happens on autopilot. It involves minimising contact with other people, including what I let into my mind because everything, everything hurts so much. I still havenβt gotten over the shock, the grief of losing so many years, so much to such painful experiences.
A friend and I talked about how surviving an abusive relationship can involve a form of PTSD. Disjointed memories, feeling violated by things that happened years ago and you thought were long resolved, confusion when you know fully well youβre a very intelligent, high-functioning personβββarenβt these signs of PTSD? Yes. I struggle, I still do. I probably always will.
Iβve run away. Itβs too hurtful. This personβs existence is a reminder of horrific things in my past. Itβs a reminder of how badly I fail to erase a monster from my narrative, how ridiculously I crash in my intention to not let it define me. Trust feels dangerous. I never want to enter a minefield again and it doesnβt matter how many times Iβm told itβs a crop field, not a minefield.
I made the mistake of watching JOKER last evening. Itβs a mistake because Iβve been more careful these past few months about steering clear of triggering stories. And this one came gift-wrapped with all the forms of toxicity popular media hasβββtoxic masculinity, white male privilege, glorifying rage, escalating abuse cycles, violence. Iβm so tired. I just thought it would be nice to watch a movie.
Itβs time to go to sleep. I donβt know if there is anything else one can do with shell shock. For now, while I can still fall asleep, I will.

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