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  1. Do you believe in miracles Smithy?

    Well, for me it has happened. Because I havent forgone the person, but we have both worked really hard to change things around. Many have told me to give up and run while I still could. Many called me a coward to my face. there have been ugly scenes, separations, other men and possibly other women in between.

    But some insane urge propelled , drove me to push back and stand my ground, to point out that we did have a chance to survive. And to my credit and his, things started changing. I shall never forget the trauma I have lived through. But I have forgiven. Today, I am proud to stand by him and he is eternally grateful for the second chance we have given ouselves.I do not recognize him from the man a few years back. Neither does he recognize me for the woman who cowered and trembled with fear. We probably lost a lot but we have gained much much much more.

    I am not saying the fears have gone. I am saying I am a different person and so is he. There are moments, tense, when we do not breathe for fear that the old monsters called Rage, Insecurity, Jealousy may wreak havoc. And then the moment passes.

    Our society is very strange and we live in very troubled times when such medieval forms of emotion clash with our modern selves. I cannot blame friends and family for not being able to offer advice, because they are caught in the bind as well.The ironic part was that I worked with an NGO that had counsellors and lawyers helping women in abusive relationships and rattling of words of encouragement and statistics and advice was part of my everyday discourse while I returned home to those very demeaning acts that drove women to the NGO. My colleagues NEVER could tell the horror I was lving through. My friends would have probably laughed at the concept knowing the professional, strong, independent side to me. It was only my mother who noticed and in many instances told me to run while I could.

    I admire women who dont take shit from anyone such as you. But it was a choice I consciously made. It may not have turned out this way. Especially if there had not been a fundamental bedrock of love between us, which was worth protecting and standing up for. We chose a long distance relationship for a while and it worked. He grew up and became more responsible. I loosened up and became much bolder in my actions. But underneath, we both realised that we were meant to be.

    But yes, nothing is for certain. I do not know my future with him. And situations can change. Tip the fine balance that we have. And the monsters may retun to the ball. I am not sure I will have the strength to put up a fight the next time around. I will walk. With my head held high. Knowing that I tried, my very best. Call it foolhardy, but I think it was just a case of stubborn ness on my part as well! And faith in change.

    I am fortunate that I do not have children from this relationship yet. And that shall be an entirely different equation.But I know where exactly my priorities will lie then.

    Which is why I said “I lived through one myself”. I have lived through it, but WE have survived. And I thought I should share this with someone who has probably seen only the dark tunnel.

  2. @ Sunset: I know that feeling. You get so used to being kicked and even programmed to kick yourself for everything bad, it continues long after the relationship is over. If you haven’t spoken about it, please start doing so. It helped me a lot. My fears are still there somewhere but talking to others and realising it wasn’t my fault went a long way in healing me and my battered self-confidence. I’d love to hear from you if you write in too.

  3. Smithy! This just goes to show that you do have the errmmmmm…balls!

    I have lived through one myself and the feeling has always been:”it must be me”!!!And I know now that its so untrue.

    You rock!

  4. ideasmith: i caught your blog only today! just wanted to say you are doing a great job of your life. all the very best. the future is glorious, just wait! 🙂

  5. ideasmith 🙂 ! Thank you so much for visiting polioman, and thank you more for giving me a totally different perspective on the situation.

    As I was living with her (Suniti came to live with me after a while) I was wondering about what is really, really going on in her mind. There was so much more, I was sure, than she was telling me. But I did not ask. As you said, I did not want to pass any judgment. Just wanted to listen. I am going to write what happened next… And, it may or may not corroborate your views.

    But love to have you around in the blog world :-).

  6. A true survivor indeed. Thanks for linking to the story. I have linked back to the story myself along with a link to the local chapter of a nonprofit organization called Saheli.