Is it anger? Is it pain? It is fear?

I’m going to tell you a secret. It’s none of these things. These are the gifts you bring to your hidden self and put away like unopened presents from people you wish would have given you their selves instead. You take your regrets and your heartaches and heap them in front of a door in your mind that you dare not open.

It’s not the gilded door you strut through when you’re drunk or high or orgasmic. The one you keep for treasured times.

This is the door that creaks in your most fevered dreams, in an antibiotic haze. The one that’s just beyond your peripheral vision. It’s the reason you don’t see 360 degrees. You’re too afraid of what you’ll find.

And when you find someone who’d rather look straight ahead to, you call it love and agree to be mutual custodians of each other’s blind areas. That’s why it hurts when they turn their face away and you glimpse their dark side.

The dark side of you is everything you loathe in other people. It’s all things that you wish didn’t exist in the universe but they do, because you found them in you.

Are you proud of your honesty? Well then what happened to the lies that you’ve considered, even framed? They don’t vanish because they never left your lips. They added another spot of noir to the floor of your soul.


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