“You can give yourself a city if you love the whole world.” – ‘The High Priestess Never Marries’ by @sharanya_manivannan.
Is that what Kannagi did?
Do we love people or are we just uncontrollably drawn to colonise their minds, their bodies, their lives? Do I love?
Do I love the whole world? I think I do, instinctively. Understanding for their pain floods me when people hurt me. Hurt people hurt people. That understanding pushes down my own pain down my throat, stomach, intenstines, lungs, kidneys. It bathes my attackers in my blood; it anoints them. It also brands them as mine. And somehow by loving them, they are mine.
But tired of bleeding, bereft of breath, all I have left are my tears which have been hijacked by the person who told me I wasn’t permitted to cry I’d I wanted the reasons for crying to stop. So I taught myself to love less, to contract my streamers of affection, to evaporate my rivulets of empathy. Yet behind my concrete walls, the understanding still persists. Like a muffled heartbeat.
Yes, I love the world but without wanting to. Where is there room for a whole city in the hidey-hole of my heart?