Welcome To The Friendzone

The performing spaces I was a part of, were rife with toxic masculinity and blatant misogyny. This piece was one of my attempts to navigate them safely but also call out the problems. The friendzone is a problematic idea, that assumes that women owe men sex for nice behaviour. It treats friendship as inferior, like it needs the transaction of sex for validation. And somehow it is also only limited to aggrieved men (never other genders who also experience rejection). This mindset is part of rape culture, whose other manifestations are incels and acid attacks. All of these are referenced or explicitly mentioned in this satirical performance. Please watch or read keeping your own triggers in mind.

Welcome to the Friendzone.
step right in, gentlemen
It’s actually pretty wonderful, no matter what you’ve heard
This is where you host Boys’ Nights Out
Your choice of music from Jagjit Singh to gangsta rap,
the DJ is only playing versions of
Achcha sila diya tune mere pyaar ka
Tell your married friends we’ll accept their Get Out of Jail Free cards

Welcome to the Friendzone.
Come one, come all
We are here to sympathize with your every fall
Come on in, make yourself right at home
Stay entertained with our bathroom graffiti,
our Savita Bhabi jokes and bol na aunty, aaoon kya
There’s room for all broken hard-ons here

Welcome to the Friendzone
It’s a safe space for your every complaint
Pick a badge of victim, braveheart or saint
No, you don’t have to put on a seatbelt
The Friendzone has no speeding limits
Because everybody here is already a train wreck!

Welcome to the Friendzone.
Where no woman is allowed entry!
Never mind Betty Cooper,
never mind Kuch Kuch Hota Hain ki Anjali
Feel free to use any kind of language because it’s men only
Just like the gents toilet but it smells better
Piss all over that girl’s name, give it full vent
Then you can spray on the perfume of male entitlement

Welcome to the Friendzone
Congratulations, you are now a desi dudebro!
And with that achievement unlocked,
You get a free bottle of acid to throw
And in the future, with every fight, every personality glitch
You can return here for a lifetime supply of ‘She asked for it, that bitch’

Welcome to the Friendzone
It’s the last bastion of male supremacy
Please surrender any ideas of consent at the gate
Discard responsibility when you enter,
Then proceed to our counter to pick up your coat of privilege

Welcome to the Friendzone
Where you’re always right, you’re always great
You’re a shining star in a world of female hate
Welcome, welcome, welcome
We hope you enjoy it here
Before you leave the club, please give us a rating on Zomato
And also check our next stop: Revenge Pornhub.