The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of Connections
I began 2014 fresh from a post-breakup hiatus and feeling ready to go adventuring in matters of the heart again. I don’t have the MARRIAGE agenda looming high over my every interaction and the past is not weighing me down much either. I figured this made for the best possible me to come back into the single playing field. I went out seeking connections.
Now here’s what I find. Like every other aspect of Mumbai life, dating over here is stressful. The big trouble is conflicting agendas. Everyone has one and they are very clear about how they want to achieve it, how to measure its achievement, how much time they want to spend on it and where else they’ll go looking. My result-driven city has made a corporate exercise out of the experience of finding connections!
I identified the model after meeting one particularly focused specimen (what to do, my professional skills come into play too!). We only met twice. Our first date was at a fancy restaurant, flush with alcohol, good food, uber-cool conversations and trading smart retorts. On our second meeting, I suggested doing something non-spectacular, like a walk or just a chat over coffee. He resisted then hung on uncomfortably and finally descended to all the tricks in the book (coaxing, wheedling etc.). And finally, he got nasty when I said NO. Such a pity, he seemed like an intelligent guy that I’d have liked to know better. But his one-mindedness was an instant downer.
From this, I deduce the following popular strategy for date-meetings:
- Establish common ground with pop culture references.
- Exchange intelligent opinions and cool jokes (internet-dictated).
- Meet at a coffee shop/restaurant/pub in areas like Bandra or South Bombay.
(Juhu or Andheri might work for a second date) - SEX.
- Do all this while not getting personal, emotional, attached or developing any kind of expectation.
I have no problem with sex, immediate or otherwise. But I’m hard-pressed to find the appeal of this model. I’m not sure which bothers me more — the ritualisation of something that I’d like to be spontaneous or the immediacy with which intimacy is approached and expected.
How about the last item on that agenda? I don’t know how one is to approach the possibility of making a connection while shutting away emotion. Also, if I didn’t have expectations, it would mean that the entire human race was presented to me as one uniform, homogeneous mass. I could pick anyone at random, it wouldn’t matter. Which brings me to another person I met.
He alternates between so-good-so-close and we-dont-really-know-each-other. One day, he’s full of witticisms and a ‘you and me against this ridiculous world’ attitude. And then suddenly, he cancels without apology, reacts oddly to being asked if he’d like to hang out or worse, doesn’t even respond.
My friend tells me he’s very likely juggling. I think so too and really, that’s okay. I’m meeting other people myself. But the coldness of these actions makes me feel like I’m one human object of many that’s being shuffled around on his calendar. I have a real problem with this. For one, people do matter to me. From experience, I know that being around someone you don’t really connect to, is a hell far worse than being alone. Secondly, you can always sense when the other person does not really feel much for you. And I think I deserve better than to be someone’s ‘random pick from the human race’. I want to be special and I want to treat people special.
Lest this feels like a rant against men today, let me hasten to say that I see this in both sexes but mercifully not in everyone. I met someone a couple of months ago, in a very different profession from mine. But I liked him because he was nice. We meet from time to time. We exchange texts, emails, chats. We enjoy each other’s company when there is an opportunity to. The word ‘date’ has even come up and passed without any awkwardness. We connect, it’s great and that’s all there is to it. So I know it’s possible to do this without the pressure or ugliness of agendas.
I guess it’s not magical unless there are monsters and strange creatures in addition to superheroes.
A guy coaxing, wheedling on the second date looks more like a opportunist than someone who wants to know you on a deeper level.
Does these 4 step date-meetings meetings happen a lot in mumbai?
i guess it works for those who need that kind of intimacy .
it fulfills the fast primal needs conversation and sex and detachment .
Sex ,intimacy is a very important factor which motivates both partner to really engage the other. But a partner who really enjoys your company and intelligent conversation will suppress or delay the urge .
I am happy you suggested something non-spectacular, like a walk or just a chat .I believe long term relations work ,if you are comfortable just hanging out without the food,uber-cool conversations. Real people cant always have uber-cool conversations.
The flip flopping kind is what really puts me off. one person want to hang out more than the other and expects reciprocation (being frank,straightforward) .Kept getting mixed messages for years till i finally got the message that i needed to detach and find another movie partner .it took me a long time to acknowledge the unspoken message in the coldness . And like you rightly said “being around someone you don’t really connect to, is a hell far worse than being alone” . I really felt a lot happier .
A person who is juggling does not cancel without apology .A guy who is juggling wants to be in the good books of all the woman.
Mostly it is done by a person who does not care if the partner leaves or stays or get hurt due to his behavior . Human behavior is complicated. We will only know the real reason by asking the guy his reasons straight on his face .but i realised being frank is never appreciated .