Holy Matrimony, Holy Womanhood
‘Paraya dhan‘ is deep-rooted in the Indian family’s psyche, even in this day and age of nuclear families and the few-but-definite number of househusbands. We talk about getting a woman ‘married off‘. Is it still not possible to visualise a world where the woman is not required to sever all relationships to her past, after marriage? Why is matrimony a prison sentence for women?
How about this practice of changing a woman’s name? I think that has its basis in starting a ‘new life’ too. You can take away a person’s name, identity, relationships…but you can’t take away their memories. I think it’s a barbaric practice to force a person to cut out their entire past life as if it were a gangrenous limb.
A friend of mine is getting married. This engineer-MBA, employed in one of the top companies in the country is going to throw up her job and a life that has taken 26 years to build, to move across the world with a person she’s met a few times. Her engagement had her all decked up and showered with jewellery and clothes. Is that supposed to be the consolation prize? Her parents flitted about nervously through the entire function. They were the ladki ke maa-baap, after all. What annoyed me the most was that her fiance was not present; he was not even expected to be. Of course, the ritual would have to be a religious thing built around the woman. And of course ‘Mr.Right’ took the time to wish her on the phone. With great effort, I managed to restrain myself from inquiring whether she was getting married to a photograph and an SMS.
It annoys me to no end, such questions as “Does she cook? Is she respectful to elders?” Cooking is an essential survival skill and while I’m glad I can manage for myself, I don’t profess an undying love for this activity. Is it a given then that to be a woman, one must love such ‘household’ tasks? And how about I turn around and ask the men if they can cook? That question doesn’t appear to go down well. The so-called eligible bachelors with their degrees, payslips and green cards are still waiting for Ms.Perfect HouseMaid.
I’m angry. An angry young woman. Perhaps I won’t change a single thing in the system in my lifetime. But damned if I’ll go down without a fight.
“..from inquiring whether she was geting married to a photograph and a SMS” : well put!
i really like your women-centric blog – linked you as soon as i saw it. way to go! 🙂
This is ranting….purely so.
What’s more….you know it!
i don’t think i can change the world, i’m not even trying to, but just trying to change my little world. u are right, i would be damned if i go down without a fight. even if this means my father in law calling me a ‘feminist’ and thinks is a passing ‘fad’ to keep you maiden surname. can u believe that!! i’m not changing my name for anybody. i have much respect for my parents and where i come from. i am not going to change it for someone who has spent a fraction of his life with me. NO. NEVER
Now I could swear when I left that comment, there was a comment by Modified which I was replying to. Now that comment is gone.
Smithy, your blog eating up comments or am I drinking too much?
@modified:
“marrying a good looking homely wife will not be good if she does not respect your thinking, views…….. ”
Frankly, marrying any wife will not be good, irrespective of her respect.
But yes, marrying someone who would make a good looking homely wife will not be good if she does not respect your thinking, views.
🙂
This is very sad Smithy, but very true, not only in India but in most countries. I think that is all up to you, it’s your choice. You choose to leave your life and even your own self when you decide WHO to marry. Luckily, you don’t just go with the flow, you’re an intelligent woman who will be very careful of choosing a life partner that understands that fully respects your ideas and doesn’t want to change you a bit.
Nothing could be said to justify what you talk about, and it continues to this day. But there is hope yet.. reasonable hope. Most of the current generation seem to look for the same things in a woman that she would look for in a man.
About name changes, sad but true, patriarchal families have followed this practice. It would be ideal if both genders modified last names, just so an offspring would not have to deal with the confusion of two last names!
You don’t have to go down fighting, just keep your last name too 😉
I can cook. Thats the first thing that will go down on my matrimonial resume. 😀 But then, does my wife to be have a green card? High paying job? A Ph.D? Would that question go down well with the womenkind (rather, parents of the woman)? Unfortunately women are married off to men on basis of these things (there are exceptions). Parents look for a guy with security. The day they start looking for guys who can cook, the world will change. Its a simple supply-demand logic which people like us are trying to change. Unfortunately (or fortunately) Rome was not built in a day.
“Caesar would not be a wolf but for the fact that he knows the Romans to be sheep”
Yup, stop being the sheep and others will stop being a wolf.