I want to lay me down in the wet, squishy mud and let the moisture seep into my bones, the cold engulf me, numbing every nerve, blocking every vein…till the blood stops running, the breath slows down…slower…slower…slower. I wish life wouldn’t snap on and off like it usually does but just slow down like a pendulum, patience infinite, nowhere to go, nothing to finish….and never stop in the reality of science but keep moving miniscule, gaining stillness instead of speed. Isn’t dying the reverse of life after all?

I wonder why that’s considered depressing. It is such a peaceful, becalming thought. I’ve been called suicidal before but am I really, I wonder? Suicidal is when depression overcomes you and there seems to be no way to get out of one’s predicament. I on the other hand, am experiencing this feeling of everything being in its right place, of having done all that I need to do…and of waiting. Just waiting for whatever comes next.

I crack open my fortune cookie for the day online and it shows me the same one as yesterday’s. Even mild irritation no longer present, I refresh the page. And I get this:

fortune-cookie.jpg

πŸ™‚ It ain’t suicidal if I’m laughing, which I am. However, the wise one said,

Take your death with some gravity though. The lesser mortals may not be able to understand your laughing your way to your grave.

8 thoughts on “Unsuicidal”
  1. It is depressing for the only reason that you have not mentioned anywhere as to how you want to live life in such a full and lively manner.

    And once you do mention life with such intensity, I don’t think you would ever want to stop living it that way – Every moment being special and intense.

  2. Hey
    You amaze me, with everyword you have written here, On one hand I find it really optimistic, its accepting the inevtiable in a cool way, its really getting into the feeling, I had read somewhere that the best way of unlcinging from any feeling is to get the feel of it to the fullest. It so holds true for death too.
    On an other hand,
    But sometime I feel like an escapist when we try to run away from things which will eventually get to us, but does it mean go chaze it. before it finds us?

  3. Many of my friends tell me I’m morbid because I have a very real sense of death – I know that anytime it maybe the turn of any one of us.

    Yet, I think, that makes me live my life more, knowing that this one maybe my last day. Knowing that silly problems aren’t worth losing friends over. Knowing that the simple things like stopping to watch the sun set brings great peace.

    Have rambled on, but know you get me.

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