For ten years I have believed that I was in love. Mad, wild, passionate, head-throbbing, nerve-searing love. And in love with someone who didn’t love me. Or care for me. Or respect me. Or even treat me as a human being.

Recently I met someone else who made me feel the same way. The thing is, this was lust. Pure, unvarnished, mad, wild, passionate, head-throbbing, nerve searing lust. Yes.
And this is exactly what I felt for the other guy too. Wow.

What a waste. Ten years spent on third-rate relationships weighed down by baggage. Ten years spent on low self-esteem and the consequent tangles. Ten years spent on writing mournful ramblings, listening to depressing music and spouting fatalistic philosophy. All it was, was an overdose of hormones. Damn chemicals.

And moreover this whole world I’ve built around me – attitude, outlook to life, role in relationships, what I look for in people, what makes me happy, what brings me pain – all of it is based on a premise that didn’t exist in the first place. I’ve never actually been in love.
Poof. All my advice to the lovelorn, all my so-called understanding of emotions, all my sob stories vaporize.

This past year I’ve spent fluctuating between reducing him to zero importance in my life, leveling to a ‘like-everyone-else’ friendship and preserving my dignity by not exhibiting jealousy, viciousness or bitterness over his upcoming marriage. Recently I’ve refrained from replying to emails and messages.

I spoke to him today. Trying to dodge his questions, trying to be polite and distant at the same time and then I just stopped. I said “I don’t want to come for the wedding.” He said “This is the second time you’re acting weird……(why is it is always my problem?)….I demand an explanation.” I told him that he could demand whatever he liked. And then I just said that I didn’t want to see him again. He said goodbye and hung up.

It is a strange feeling. I’m not sad. I feel….empty. Its not even an unpleasant empty, its an unfamiliar empty. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss how he made me feel. I miss knowing what to feel. After losing heartbreak, self-pity, cynicism, masochistic tendencies and intoxicating pain, I don’t have anything left to feel at the moment. But that is temporary. I have plenty of time to get used to this unfamiliar emptiness. Or fill it up with other people and emotions.

The heart does listen to reason. Mine did.

28 thoughts on “Rationale”
  1. the heart is infinitely more reasonable and accepting than the mind…..the mind is stiff because of acquired “positionality”…it is the mind which “fell” in love as u perceived it….to fulfil it’s need….the heart makes you “grow” and nourishes you..even in pain….a pov…

  2. sigh.

    You’ll make people really cry someday. This smithy is so different from the one that walks around at XXfac.Though that one did surface for sometime in the middle of the post, guess today eventually belonged to the other one.
    You take care, dearie.

    Hmmm.Well, now i gotta get back to business….. the week long endsems start in less than 12 hours 😐
    Sumbaaady pray for me puhleeeeeez!

  3. First off, its a brave act to admit you didnt practice what you preached. I admire you for that.

    Now, lets talk about the lust part. Please grace a stip club (male striptease, just to clarify) every weekend. If time permits, week days too. Send me the lap dance bills if u wish. Once the lust is outta that system, come back. We’ll sit face to face and talk about love then 😛

  4. You’ve done your bit! Speaking to somebody I’ve been with for 10 years would have killed me, espcially when he’s about to get married. But you survived. And see, the dettachment you achieved, the levelling down you did – it worked. Why else would he have asked you to come for the wedding….? It would have been better if you wouldn’t have made it at the last minute. It would have sounded so much more casual 🙁

  5. boss i really dont know u
    but u seem to have gone thru shit
    well two options that u know u have are
    1- live in it and revel in the banalities of being single
    2- live in it and aspire for a higher status
    yea bottomline live in it
    i guess u know tht is life boss
    and nuthing brave about this post i feel;
    u have spoken for millions though, cos all of us feel like this at some point of time in life and all of us are trying our best to hide insecurities…
    lol almost made a post!!!

  6. Ah what should I say? 10 years? was it with the same guy? If it was with the same guy, admit it once that you were in love. It will make things very easy for you. You will know what to feel. It is not our fault that somebody couldn’t love us enough. I know deep down we know what we deserve and that will make us carry on or to forget the undeserving.

  7. I’m impressed by the sagacity of your commentators.
    From the little I know of you, I gather that this is a rather significant turning point. I’m happy for you.

  8. Sundar: That’s an apt observation.

    Couchpotato: Strange way to describe it but well…these feelings are strange.

    Sen: Thenk yew thenk yew!! Now ged back to your books!! And call me sometime this weekend!

    Blue Athena: I don’t know if ‘they’ are losers….the fact is I don’t even care anymore.

    Apoo: Ahhh….is this all in lieu of the ‘sensitive supportive partner’ image? Still, thank you for that.

    Abhi: “……” is all I ever heard from you when we were classmates too! 🙂

    Evenstar: It wasn’t about revenge. It was about not even needing to get even anymore, because you can’t compare two people who aren’t equals.

    Sue: Ur welcome. Its one of my favorite blogs.

    Ganty: Sometimes its unsettling to know that others identify with you. At other times, its comforting. Ah…this business of being human!!!

    Arunima: It wasn’t love. THAT is what I needed to admit and I’ve finally done it!

    Arjun: It is a turning point. And you probably know me a lot better than most of my other blog-friends.

  9. I am impressed. Thank you for sharing this with us. You’re on a way up, you’ve touched ground and from now on, you can only win, there is nothing to lose.
    You’re extremely intelligent, you’re sensitive and beautiful inside, now I see that you’re also brave and sensible. Awknowledge that, and embrace it, don’t let anyone tell you or treat you different. Anyone who is with you is extremely blessed and fortunate to have you, so from this day on, live by that premise…

  10. Smithy: ..I wont give u any advice or lecture..just a Hug …for going thru what u did… for doing what u are doing now..and for what u might do in future….cheers…to happiness

  11. I thought I was in Love,
    But I guess I wasn’t.

    Years wasted, Time spent,
    Fond memories cherished,
    Down the drain they all went.

    Deja-vu, It happened again,
    This time I knew,
    It wasn’t Love, t’was just Lust,
    My heart heaved a Phew.

    Am I glad or what, it’s over,
    I said what I had to say,
    It’s time to be indifferent again,
    To bid a final adieu,
    To walk away, come what may!

  12. Nomadic_waves: I’m amazed at how many people seem to identify with this. Apparantly I’m not the only one making long-term mistakes :p

    Ava: Thank you very much. Its validation.

    Demi-godezz: {{{{{}}}}}…thx!!!

    Brad: Spectacular, as always. You’re wasted on anonymous blogging.

  13. kinda agree with aekta …

    and you know what i meant with those dots, its defi not “no comment”

    life’s beautiful

    News: i talk a lot now

  14. Aekta: How can I disable comments for just one post? Tried that once and ended up messing my template…*sighhh* no rest for the techno-greeks!

    Abhi: Very interesting…I don’t even seem to remember what your voice sounds like, you were THAT quiet! Good to know ur doin’ well..

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