A Rational Kind Of Empty
For ten years I have believed that I was in love. Mad, wild, passionate, head-throbbing, nerve-searing love. And in love with someone who didn’t love me. Or care for me. Or respect me. Or even treat me as a human being.
Recently I met someone else who made me feel the same way. The thing is, this was lust. Pure, unvarnished, mad, wild, passionate, head-throbbing, nerve searing lust. Yes.
And this is exactly what I felt for the other guy too. Wow.
What a waste. Ten years spent on third-rate relationships weighed down by baggage. Ten years spent on low self-esteem and the consequent tangles. Ten years spent on writing mournful ramblings, listening to depressing music and spouting fatalistic philosophy. All it was, was an overdose of hormones. Damn chemicals.
And moreover this whole world I’ve built around me – attitude, outlook to life, role in relationships, what I look for in people, what makes me happy, what brings me pain – all of it is based on a premise that didn’t exist in the first place. I’ve never actually been in love.
Poof. All my advice to the lovelorn, all my so-called understanding of emotions, all my sob stories vaporize.
This past year I’ve spent fluctuating between reducing him to zero importance in my life, leveling to a ‘like-everyone-else’ friendship and preserving my dignity by not exhibiting jealousy, viciousness or bitterness over his upcoming marriage. Recently I’ve refrained from replying to emails and messages.
I spoke to him today. Trying to dodge his questions, trying to be polite and distant at the same time and then I just stopped. I said “I don’t want to come for the wedding.” He said “This is the second time you’re acting weird……(why is it is always my problem?)….I demand an explanation.” I told him that he could demand whatever he liked. And then I just said that I didn’t want to see him again. He said goodbye and hung up.
It is a strange feeling. I’m not sad. I feel….empty. Its not even an unpleasant empty, its an unfamiliar empty. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss how he made me feel. I miss knowing what to feel. After losing heartbreak, self-pity, cynicism, masochistic tendencies and intoxicating pain, I don’t have anything left to feel at the moment. But that is temporary. I have plenty of time to get used to this unfamiliar emptiness. Or fill it up with other people and emotions.
The heart does listen to reason. Mine did.
The brutal honesty which reflects through your writing, makes it absolutely adorable. Love survives failure, more so through failure.
When god takes away somone from our lives ..he assures that we get some one more beautiful in return …..:-)…
Be glad it happened….
hey Smithy, good to see u again after a very long time. Hope ur doin good.
Yes, he speaks five words a day now.
“booze, booze, booze, booze, booze”
kinda agree with aekta …
and you know what i meant with those dots, its defi not “no comment”
life’s beautiful
News: i talk a lot now
BTW comments should be disabled for some posts, perhaps like this one. 🙂 There are some things you need to deal with yourself.
I thought I was in Love,
But I guess I wasn’t.
Years wasted, Time spent,
Fond memories cherished,
Down the drain they all went.
Deja-vu, It happened again,
This time I knew,
It wasn’t Love, t’was just Lust,
My heart heaved a Phew.
Am I glad or what, it’s over,
I said what I had to say,
It’s time to be indifferent again,
To bid a final adieu,
To walk away, come what may!
Smithy: ..I wont give u any advice or lecture..just a Hug …for going thru what u did… for doing what u are doing now..and for what u might do in future….cheers…to happiness
I am impressed. Thank you for sharing this with us. You’re on a way up, you’ve touched ground and from now on, you can only win, there is nothing to lose.
You’re extremely intelligent, you’re sensitive and beautiful inside, now I see that you’re also brave and sensible. Awknowledge that, and embrace it, don’t let anyone tell you or treat you different. Anyone who is with you is extremely blessed and fortunate to have you, so from this day on, live by that premise…
Deja vu…thatz exactly the word to describe what i felt when i read this post of yours…
I’m impressed by the sagacity of your commentators.
From the little I know of you, I gather that this is a rather significant turning point. I’m happy for you.
Ah what should I say? 10 years? was it with the same guy? If it was with the same guy, admit it once that you were in love. It will make things very easy for you. You will know what to feel. It is not our fault that somebody couldn’t love us enough. I know deep down we know what we deserve and that will make us carry on or to forget the undeserving.
boss i really dont know u
but u seem to have gone thru shit
well two options that u know u have are
1- live in it and revel in the banalities of being single
2- live in it and aspire for a higher status
yea bottomline live in it
i guess u know tht is life boss
and nuthing brave about this post i feel;
u have spoken for millions though, cos all of us feel like this at some point of time in life and all of us are trying our best to hide insecurities…
lol almost made a post!!!
Thanks for introducing me to Post a Secret.
You’ve done your bit! Speaking to somebody I’ve been with for 10 years would have killed me, espcially when he’s about to get married. But you survived. And see, the dettachment you achieved, the levelling down you did – it worked. Why else would he have asked you to come for the wedding….? It would have been better if you wouldn’t have made it at the last minute. It would have sounded so much more casual 🙁
………………
First off, its a brave act to admit you didnt practice what you preached. I admire you for that.
Now, lets talk about the lust part. Please grace a stip club (male striptease, just to clarify) every weekend. If time permits, week days too. Send me the lap dance bills if u wish. Once the lust is outta that system, come back. We’ll sit face to face and talk about love then 😛
Hmmmm.
It’s not we
who are the losers
but they
who lost out
on love (or lust)
unblemished
Take heart! :))
sigh.
You’ll make people really cry someday. This smithy is so different from the one that walks around at XXfac.Though that one did surface for sometime in the middle of the post, guess today eventually belonged to the other one.
You take care, dearie.
Hmmm.Well, now i gotta get back to business….. the week long endsems start in less than 12 hours 😐
Sumbaaady pray for me puhleeeeeez!
Think I know that feeling. Comes somewhere in between that scorpion-in-your-shoe-feeling and snail-in-a-can-of-fevicol-feeling, doesn’t it?
Cheer up! 😉
the heart is infinitely more reasonable and accepting than the mind…..the mind is stiff because of acquired “positionality”…it is the mind which “fell” in love as u perceived it….to fulfil it’s need….the heart makes you “grow” and nourishes you..even in pain….a pov…