Some nights are a turquoise tango, some days are an orange solo.
Flashback 12 years. I wandered down bookshelves that I’d been glazing over for weeks. It seemed wrong to be there alone. The environment matched my mood. What was earlier opulence had run into decadent indifference. Books lay piled on floors, skeletons ripped. They were all in the wrong racks. I suppressed a grimace. Things change. My favorite bookshop was my haven of tidy ideas no more. I missed someone.
Had dinner with a friend who had trekked across the city after a busy week, simply because I had called. He’d thought I needed to talk. How touching. I ordered my favorite drink, he asked for chocolate milk. I was amused when the waiter put the milkshake down before me & the drink before him.
After I talked of the events of the past year, he said, “You shouldn’t have to face this. She said so too.”
I was touched again. How very young they seemed to me – her & him! How agonizing my disappointment & frustration must seem to them! It occurred to me that they grieved for my suffering, that I didn’t experience any more. I remembered when my older friends would tell me stories of their lives that filled me with feelings too overwhelming to express. It prompted him to ask, “But eventually….you too want stability, don’t you?” Out of the mouth of babes….
As we left, he asked, “Are you happy? On a scale of 1 to 10, not just this moment but in life, how happy are you?”
I didn’t have to think real hard or lie to say, “8. Quite happy.”
I’m happy because I can finally bend over touch my toes after 2yrs of yoga. I’m happy there’re people who ask if I am. I miss a friend & am glad to have someone to miss. I’m happy the rains didn’t give me a cold. I’m happy to have found a drink I like. I’m so happy to be 28 with with a 24 year old friend who hears the melancholy in my voice.
Back to the present. The 24 year olds bleed now but they still look to me for hope. There are new 20-somethings filled with yellow sunshine. I’m happy the tapestry of turquoise is shot with orange threads. I’m happy I lived to 41.