All Is Well
I took the first step today. I asked for help.
Iβve had a fracture and a ligament injury within a year. Iβve had a recurring cough for over 2 months. I have probably fallen asleep before 3 a.m. some 4 times this year. And I donβt remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed and excited about the upcoming day. But I vaguely remember that once upon a time, I used to.
I went to an Ayurvedic clinic that worked wonders with my health problems a few years ago. It took about an hour to capture vital information about me. It was the first real conversation Iβve had in many, many years about myself. That is odd, isnβt it? I have one of the longest running personal blogs in the country. For ten years, Iβve talked about my feelings, my relationships, my dreams, my goals, my observations, my angst.
But in telling her why I stay up late at night, why I sleep fretfully, why the frown lines on my forehead are deeper than the smile lines on my cheeks, I found myself talking about another me. I found myself realising, Iβm not happy.
Well, I know that already. After all, Iβm me. But I feel like there has never been any space to say this. Here are the things that Iβm scared will come in response:
Why? You have such an awesome life!
You are so lucky. You should be grateful!
Do you know how many starving people there are in the world?
At least you didnβt have to go through a divorce/miscarriage.
Nobody forced you to quit your job. No one asked you to write for a living.
You are so angsty. You complain too much. You whine too much.
You know the odd thing? Iβve rarely said βIβm not happyβ and yet I carry that sentence as well as all these above ones that werenβt given a chance to be said, inside my mind. And the weight of them is crushing me.
I donβt even know why Iβm unhappy. Not yet, anyway. Though, I can think about it and hazard a guess.
Iβm still so tired from the effort of rising from a relationship gone sour, a failed engagement. Iβm still hurting from the judgement. Iβm scarred by the things that went wrong.
Iβm suffocating under the pressure of labels like βfeministβ, βstrong womanβ, βrole modelβ, βcommittedβ and βresponsibleβ. A label looks harmlessβββlight, papery and fluttering in the wind. The ink scrawls on it seem deceptively ordinary. But they stick to the skin and to the identity and the force of peeling them away, takes away a part of yourself. It does.
And I am tired of cruelty. Wanton, random cruelty. Unwarranted spite. Needless meanness. Unjust βbut you promised youβd never hurt meβ heartbreak. So cruel, so much.
I donβt want to go to war with the world. This is not about how badly the world has treated me. This is about my losing my way, forgetting the only things that really matter, that make any of the other stuff worth doing.
This is about remembering to live. This is about remembering to choose living over suffering. It is a choice and this is about remembering that.
This is about remembering fun. What it looks, tastes, smells, feels like. Itβs remembering what it feels like to have your eyes light up, what that feels like from inside youβββthe internal wiring that makes everything come on and send the charge to your eyes that the world can see.
This is about being okay. Shouting that youβre more than okay, is not being okay. Itβs just being.
This song came up minutes before I walked into the clinic.
Iβm not a teenager under relentless pressure to conform to someone elseβs ideals. And yet, concentrated H2SO4 ne pura jeevan jala daala. I did that to myself, to appease the stern, cruel, goal-oriented, never satiated maniac in my own head.
The specialist said something that cheered me and warmed me from within. He said my disposition was one that instantly zooms in on the positive in situations and people, and sometimes forgets about the negative. And he told me that it had made me able to rise above a bad relationship more easily than some others. He was telling me one simple thing that Iβd stopped telling myself for so long that I forgot it was true. He was saying,
βRamya, youβre okay.β
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I actually wrote this post on 11 Sep 2014. But true to the reality of this post, I either didnβt have the time to or I didnβt feel I was ready to publish it (perfectionist me). Today, six weeks later, I want to report that Iβm feeling much better. The cough is gone. And the doctor says Iβm healing. Accepting that all is well, is some way off though.