The Indian Man: A Doll That Goes “Mama”
I come from a country that deifies a woman, the mother figure most of all. All prayers to goddesses, in every language, in different religions are sung in praise of Mother. Yes, it is probably a complex, near-magical bond, the relationship between a mother and son. More so than between a mother and daughter. I come from the land of the original mama’s boy – the Indian man.
After all, for the average woman in Indian society (still very much a man’s world), the son is the male who gives her the most respect and adulation. He is also the male who can be most easily moulded by her. A comment on one of my earlier blogs made me think about the relationship of a man with his mother too. She is his first female influence, the all-encompassing womb and the protective, nurturing arms. All said and done….we all enter the world in the same way.
Anywhere in the world, insinuate that a man is attached to his mother’s apron strings and he’ll take it as a personal insult. On the other hand, most Indian men will beam proudly like you’ve called them the greatest thing since chocolate. Yes, I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. So fine, you like your mother, that’s cool….but for heaven’s sake it doesn’t make you a great human being, it doesn’t make you good company, it doesn’t make you attractive or likeable or intelligent or sensitive. And if you’re flaunting your attachment to the mater, chances are she’ll be the only one who finds anything worth loving in you.
Oh well, perhaps not…..Indian women are probably used to it. Every woman I know, married or otherwise affirms the fact that Indian men are indeed….mama’s boys. It is far from annoying….it is alarming. What makes an otherwise intelligent, smart, confident man so dependent on the woman who bore him? Yes, dependency it is. Do not mistake it for love. I love my parents too but I’d find it slightly disgraceful to keep touting myself as “daddy’s little girl”. Most of all, ‘daddy’ would have a fit over his daughter wanting to become a whining, snivelling airhead. I’m so glad I had a sensible upbringing.
Yes, I’m not about to blame the men for this one. The women are entirely at fault. I see it everywhere. What is paraded as great love is emasculation. I know a family where the son has been pampered and cossetted since birth by his doting mama (who has incidentally also brought up a girl who is more worldly-wise and mature at 20 than her brother is at 26).
As a result, this post-graduate professional travels the world and advises his company on important business matters but can’t be relied upon to run his own house or his marriage for that matter. Oh…did I forget…wifey dearest was also “whatever mama thinks is right”. But of course. Mama’s boys like to outsource their brains. Mama is proud of the fact that her darling beta, so important to the world, still pays so much attention to her. Why? Because the husband is too busy listening to his mama.
And the cycle continues…..
So it is a pity that most men are being brought up very badly. I would go so far as to say that they are being ruined by their mothers. Being a parent can’t be an easy job but most parents of daughters do manage to instil in them a sense of responsibility and the ability to handle life. For some reason the parents of sons, on the other hand, will pander to all their whims, make them feel like they are little lords and generally give them a wholly unrealistic view of the world.
Small wonder then, that most of these men grow up woefully unable to handle more than basic decisions by themselves. At some point in time the ‘little boy looking for mama’ syndrome is transferred onto the wife or girlfriend or whatever female is available. It is not nice at all. I for one, am not flattered or amused to have to play nursemaid/constant emotional prop to an overgrown baby. When I want to be a mama, I’ll have babies of my own.
There is something slightly unhealthy about an umbilical cord that hasn’t been severed over two decades…how I wish men would understand that.
When I was about four, I craved a doll that opened and shut its eyes and said “Mama”. Think I was being conditioned to produce more ‘mama’s boys’? I hope I don’t have sons…..the temptation to twist a brain to fulfil my selfish need is too much to resist. I’m an Indian woman after all.
@theidea-smithy
I accidentally came across this, and it resonated deeply because I’ve experienced something similar. I was once married to a man who could be described as a “mama’s boy,” and the entire family dynamic felt imbalanced. It was an arranged marriage, he was well educated and had a nice job, good profile and handsome and plote etc etc. When we got married, his father was unwell. Despite that, his mom traveled abroad, leaving her sick husband alone in India. Her reasoning? Her grown son (over 30) couldn’t cook or manage by himself. At the time, I was still working and needed some time to resign and complete the visa process.
Both my husband and I were shy and not yet comfortable with each other, so I had hoped for some time alone with him to build our connection—but that never happened. By the time I joined him abroad, his mother was already there, teaching me how to “serve” her son. She gave me detailed lessons on what time he needed his food, the things he liked, and so on. Since I was raised in a traditional family, I accepted this and followed her instructions without protest—she wasn’t rude or anything, so I managed.
However, things started to feel heavier with each passing day. My husband was far more reserved and reluctant to express his feelings than I had anticipated. In front of his mother, he would ask me to do things for him—like washing his plates or tiffin box—but once we were alone in our bedroom, he never opened up or talked about our relationship, let alone the romantic side of it. He had been raised in a traditional, spiritual manner and was a good-natured man, but his inability to communicate left me feeling increasingly isolated and miserable. All I wanted was some space and alone time with him, which I believed could improve our relationship.
Instead, after just a few days, my mother-in-law suggested I initiate a physical relationship with him, claiming it would relieve his stress. She justified it by saying that he didn’t know how to interact with women. Yet again, my feelings or comfort were not taken into account.
Eventually, I gathered the courage to tell him I wasn’t happy and that something was bothering me. His response was to suggest yoga and meditation. He didn’t even ask me what was wrong or whether I needed his support. That was the moment I realized he would never truly be there for me. All he seemed to want was someone to cook for him, motivate him, and support him in his pursuits—but when I needed emotional support, he couldn’t provide it.
Over time, I began to shut down emotionally without even realizing it. A few other incidents deeply affected me, and I eventually told him that I thought we should separate. To my surprise, he didn’t ask for a reason or try to have a conversation about it. Instead, he arranged for a lawyer, and everything happened so quickly.
After all the formalities were done, he sent me a message saying he enjoyed the food I used to cook and that he truly loved me—but he also placed all the blame on me. I still don’t understand why he waited until the end to say that. However, what I felt after it was all over was a sense of relief, as though I had escaped an emotional prison.
This is a bit long comment, I couldn’t help but share this here, and I really wish I had come across it 12 years ago. It might have saved me from so much drama in my life!
@TheShySaggittarian: Thank you for this comment. It takes a lot of courage and even more generosity to share such a personal experience, especially when it has been so difficult for one. My post was written 20 years ago. I was much younger then as was the internet and social media access (it wasn’t even called social media then!). I was grappling with these questions and had nobody in the real world I could speak to about these. But I had that rare opportunity to blog anonymously at that time (I’m not anonymous anymore) which allowed me to speak up without fear of policing or retribution. I wish I could say it brought me answers but it didn’t. I went on to have some of the same experiences as you as well as the brutal shaming that happens to a woman who speaks up about male atrocities against her. But still, being able to write about these things for years was part of what gave me the strength to walk away from those bad situations. I truly hope that you have recovered from that journey enough to find happier paths for yourself!
Guess inidan men are born with this disease!!
No matter what the education background is, no matter if the guy has been living away from his mama dear for a long time, the umbilicord is STILL THERE that gives VITAL nutrition to his head and controls his time and energy. And yeah, tell it to your guy and see his frown, after it is just “caring for his parents”…Gosh..!! as if we women DON’T HAVE PARENTS???
How we women wished if we could get some priority in our husband’s life and if moma dear could have injected some wisdom in her son’s head instead of praising and pampering her son to ridiculous heights!!
@ Anonymous: It’s been falling to our lot to make the adjustments like…forever, hasn’t it? All the very best to you!
@ zuzana: I’m sorry to hear that and I really hope you find your resolution soon.
@ Lsa: It is mama who creates a mama’s boy after all.
for me it’s not my husband that is a problem but his mom won’t let go – when we first got married she kept saying I need to pray (and also probably prayed in another life) to God AND her son with golden flowers for snagging him (yeah yeah LOVE marriage.) It got to such a point that she was saying that even to visiting friends/relatives that my husband had to talk to her about it – and she threw a mighty fit and was so hurt because she was after all ‘stating the truth’ – it’s more like he has to indulge her or else life is miserable for all of us.
Gosh!how true…and sometimes sad…Like when you marry one of “mama’s boys”like I did….and now after 9 years of this torture getting separated….Because mama is a goddess and “only person who will ever trully love me”(that’s what my husband said)….but unfortunatelly how we are creatures of habbits and my husbands mother is very strong person,he married me,also quite strong personality…so and that’s it….and because mama wants to rull our life and Im opposing….there is problem…and poore man is stuck in the middle…and cant make decision….without his mama…hm,too bad Im getting out of there…its sick!tried for long enough,but can never give enough….GIRLS BE AWARE OF MAMA”S BOYS AS MUCH AS VIOLENT MEN!!!! it will ruin your life and put you off men for long time(ans I never said all men are the same)….
IdeaSmith, this is wonderfully written. I was brought up in a family where we are just two sisters,hence I hadnt known much about a mama’s boy till i got married.
It was an arranged marriage :)). Had very little time to know my hubby. Its been sometime since my marriage and i realize he is a complete mama’s boy. This fact just irritates hell out of me.
My analysis is that, though gals are equally pampered, they are sensitive enough to grow out of their parents’ clutches and think independently(unlike the boys).
Much generalization, dontcha think? I beg to differ about being the ‘Mama’s boy’, though mama continues to live the dream. Hmmm.
:-))
I kinda agree. I don’t think all Indian men are mama’s boys, but I guess a lot of them are. The whole ma-beta thing is over-glorified in Indian society; hindi movies are a good example. I think the key is to leave home at some point and venture out into the world. I left home at 18 and I don’t think I was a mama’s boy, but it changed a lot of things between me and my parents.
So true. I’ve never met men who are more into their mothers than desi men. Just found your blog today. Looks very cool so I am bookmarking it.