I Don’t Want To Move On
I’ve done it before. Many times, many ways. ‘Moving on’ contains an element of escapism. Do you know how I know? Because the next thing that gets said is, “What else will you do?”
There is taking action in an extreme situation like abuse. But many of us ‘move on’ as a way to escape the uncomfortable feelings that vulnerability throws up. The shattering possibility of rejection. The crushing limbo of waiting through someone else’s uncertainty. The paralyzing fears of remembered traumas. All of these come up the minute you start to feel a connection, an actual connection beyond attraction.
And I’ve done this also & prided myself on being decisive. Cut loose, surgically precise. Disengage, cauterise, solder, replace & onto the next person, project, hobby that promises better return on my emotional investment. The trouble with this is, human kindness, generosity, loyalty, trust, respect don’t find place in capitalism, the basis of that model. Healing doesn’t either.I’ve always been a mover. Keep moving forward, clear, steady & sure. Fall, get up & move. Carry everyone along too. But I’ve made lots of mistakes. I’ve rationalised them saying at least I’m still moving. I’ve assumed that to move is to be alive, to be me.
I don’t want to move on. I’m done escaping myself. Because, that’s right. My love is me, the best part of me. It lies beneath the hurt, the trauma memories, the rage, the FOMO of being in a relationship, the desire, the need for trophy labels. It hides behind big words & firm chins. It is squashed beneath ego dramas, needs to control, attempts to capture in pop culture logic & other people’s imbibed feelings. My love is simple awe. It’s gratitude for knowing such a person, such a feeling, such a thing exists. It’s naive hope that there’s more of this. It’s delicate dreams. It’s precious joyful laughter. It is vulnerability. Why would I want to move on from being this?
There is the growing I will anyway do, am doing. I take my lessons from plants now. What will bloom if I decide not to blow away, if I choose to put down roots & stay?
(@ideasmithy)