How We Treat People Is How We’re Feeling Inside
We need a way to ask the people in our lives,
“Why are you so cruel in your thoughts of me?”
Doesn’t this idea inform all human judgement and underline every relationship of our lives? We wonder why people treat us poorly. How we behave is determined by the emotional landscapes we inhabit.
Let’s think about what we want instead, the opposite of cruelty in thoughts about us. That is kindness, respect and most of all, empathy.
Empathy isn’t an either you got it or you don’t thing. Yet, it is often a situational thing, expressed (or withheld) when a person is facing a difficulty.
But the generosity of things like trust, of benefit of doubt, of optimism and believing the best of a person – these are ongoing. And they require conscious effort. Their absence is what causes us to be formulaic, thoughtless and rigid in our relationships.
A lot of conversations between close people are like navigating traffic in India. Everyone is trying to follow the rules but there is so much chaos that it’s just easier to grip the steering wheel, gritted teeth and force your way through. Dismissiveness is common, codified in social rules of gender, appearance and class. We are not really thinking about how we are communicating and thus, about what we are really saying.
I spent an afternoon with a close friend last month. My every attempt at conversation was either shut down with “I’m not interested in that” or stonewalled with a suggestion to speak to my therapist. I came away feeling physically ill, ashamed of being too needy or boring, worried that I was sinking back into depression.
I realised later that they were having a bad day and felt bad about yet another in a series of such. The effort they made to meet me was everything and they were not able to bring any of the trust, respect or kindness that I would have liked in a friendly conversation. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what was happening inside their head.
Hurt people hurt people, after all.
It goes every way. We perform our pain (or not). We trade in saviour complexes and pity parties. We are react badly to anything other than these things because we have no frame of reference to fit them in. A rare breakthrough conversation that allows for the above question may result in an answer like,
“I care but..”
And often, if there is adequate honesty and safety, that sentence will end in a statement about the other person.
“…I’m tired.”
“…I’m scared.”
So when we ask people to think about how they treat us, we are really asking them to think about themselves. Make it an invitation to tell you about how they are doing. (Let It Be).
~O~O~O~O~O~O~
But that said, I find people are telling me how they are by lashing out, by attacking me for my honesty. And it stops there. I found this on my feed just a few hours before I decided to social media detox. —>
We must find our balance on our own and kicking other people won’t get us there. But disconnecting from those who do, might. All I want to say is thank you for gifiting me my peace of mind back and now, bye.
Today I cleaned my mind and my device of a few such people. I cannot abide by cruelty but I cannot survive the weaponisation of pain. So, maybe instead of asking, listen to what people are really saying when they tell you what they think. Often, an opinion says more about the speaker and nothing at all about you.
Stay loved, stay loving.
I feel strangers would listen better sometimes .There was a time ,I wanted to start a singles network to help singles find support forever. I’m ready to listen if you really need someone to listen (if I’m alive) . These days everyone sets boundaries.everything is a transaction time,topics of discussion….
@ideafan: I don’t think boundaries are supposed to feel transactional or timed. But a lot of people do it that way because it’s easier than reflecting on what they need and how to communicate that with respect.
I started Alphabet Sambar (my writing community) so I could have meaningful conversations about writing with similar minded people. It was a rich, fulfilling experience in many ways but it came with its share of troubles – always selfish people attacking me for drawing boundaries. These boundaries had to come into place because we had too many instances of misbehaviour (yelling, bullying, abuse) when people expected to have pity parties indulged or tried to incite hatred through their writing and did not like it when we said we’re only going to stick to writing critiques.
I don’t think it’s either respectful or even kind but an actual act of hateful aggression to tell a person that they’re only allowed to speak for x time and then call that a boundary.
Also, nobody should be guilted into listening, pandering to or healing someone else’s trauma. It’s why I don’t believe in things like “Post this meme to show someone is always listening to prevent su1cide”. Listening needs to be a conscious, involved act, not a compulsion led by shame or fear of social censure. It’s not possible to do that in every situation and for all people. Choosing when and how and with whom to do that is boundary drawing.