When The Cocoon Is Too Small
When you go long enough turning scars into art, you start thinking of wounds as poetry. And the cacophony of imaginary voices, as the orchestra of your soul. You seek out people who call you beautiful when you bleed. People who willing aid you in that process, a little too willingly.
I’ve avoided spaces & people that remind me of violence & abuse. I’ve stopped thinking about a better world because I’m so tired of the wounds. It has felt like a world of festering carcasses & vultures.
Yesterday I found myself in a conversation on women’s safety. It was triggering. How can I explain the horror of being surrounded by people who feel NOTHING about the fact that you are bleeding, except how they can exploit it? I lost it. I yelled, I fought like my worst gutter self. Today I awoke in pain & shame. All my years of flowers, literature & healing vanished that moment I saw red.
But the person who bravely held fort even as the misogyny surged, was back up today leading the world to light & inspiration. It made it possible for me to get up & follow. It was literally, a ray of light. Sunlight is comforting.
Another friend & I spoke of forgiveness. He said he didn’t have the luxury of holding a grudge against those who hurt him because his fight was bigger. “I’m fighting for this person’s rights too & how can I do that if I hate them?”
Growth hurts. Our instinct is to shrink within ourselves. Trauma does that too. But Anais Nin said there came a time when the risk of staying tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. The world is bigger. It is scary. It is also inspiring & loving & funny & unexpected.
Grudges are heavy. Anger is corrosive. Trauma is someone else’s handcuffs that I don’t want to be bound by anymore. Even the ego of wanting to soldier on alone is exhausting.
I couldn’t carry it all, I couldn’t do it alone. I needed other people to carry me, to lead me, to remind me of healing. Maybe that is less about my brokenness & more about the fact that healing & indeed, life is possible.
