Smooth Egg Brain

The second dark COVID of my soul is here except it doesn’t feel quite as dark. The first time round, the sickness punched me right across my worst pain points (just like my ex) and left me reeling, disoriented, unfocussed. Things happened after that, mostly without my plan, calendar dates passed, meetings came and went, opportunities may have cropped up and been grasped at and slipped away or just passed me by. I was just starting to feel like it may have been a good thing to have gotten through it and having a much needed break from stress, worry & responsibility. Maybe not.

The second time around, I was expecting the hit. It feels fated. Like I’ve been written into a sort of abuse-trauma-violence-hatred-narcissism-pain-horror cycle that I can’t fight my way out of. For awhile I thought it was a victory to triumph over the people and situations that brought me these. Then I thought the real triumph was to learn and be more, grow stronger, wiser with each experience. Last COVID made me believe survival was my win, my prize, my treasure. Now, I can’t seem to hold any of these ideas any more.

Maybe my life was filled with opportunities for great things once. Maybe I was hope for a big life. But those have gone by. Maybe I tried too hard at some, maybe I was too stupid to do so with others. It doesn’t matter, does it, when the game has been rigged against you from the start? Being programmed to carry pain that is not yours, to take responsibility for other people’s dramas, to endure violence that you never asked for, to accept abuse as if you deserve it – these things are flesh-eating parasites that never leave your being. And there forward, it’s just hurtling disoriented from one wreckage to the next. How long before you realise the wreck is you?

It seems stupid to hold on to anything anymore. I feel stupid in a way that also feels peaceful. Like all memories, traumas, motivations, emotions are going whoosh off the surface of a brain that’s become smooth as an egg. What was I saying? Nothing. Nothing that matters. Because nothing does.

It’s peaceful.

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