Art makes honesty accessible, believable, livable. It makes vulnerability look appealing by giving it validation. I rewatched an EASY episode of an ageing graphic novelist. It tapped into my fears of growing old & irrelevant, regrets over bad choices.

When I began blogging in 2004, I didn’t know I was pioneering something, like TikTokers are doing today. I was pushing the boundaries of mining one’s own life for the public.

At 20-something, I was being pressured to marry, after a life of being restrained from interactions with the opposite sex. I had questions like what does love mean, how do you judge whether someone is right for you, how do you do this in one meeting with 25 other people watching, everyone ready to decimate you for a wrong choice? I was navigating this through sexual violations, male entitlement, slut-shaming & glass ceiling without knowing these terms.

This formed a secret blog – meetings with prospective grooms & later, my own experiments with men I met in other ways. The word ‘dating’ wasn’t in the middle class Indian lexicon but I was learning. I wrote of attractions, chronicled matrimonial site meetings, joked about the ineptitude of my male peers to have a conversation, I despaired in blogposts of ever finding an equal partnership. Always using elaborate nicknames & descriptions stripped of identity.

I was almost discovered once by someone in the blog. He laughed then but we don’t talk anymore. I never told my abusive ex of it. I pitched it as part of a book once, saw the idea copied. A recent @AlphabetSambar event made me think of it. I asked some people to read it. Only one did. To be a writer is to have nobody think your work is worth anything until it suddenly is.

Watching EASY reminded me that once this blog’s contents are public, things will come crawling out of the woodwork. Upset they don’t appear here. Upset they do appear & how. Upset someone else appears. Upset this chronicle exists. C’est la vie.

The first thing my friend said after she started reading was,

“It’s so vulnerable.”


If you liked this post, you’ll want to follow the Facebook Page and the Youtube channel. I’m Ramya Pandyan (a.k.a. Ideasmith) and I’m on Twitter and Instagram.

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