The past few days I’ve been fighting to be free of my past. Old mistakes, bad decisions, hurtful memories, happy memories…everything that has had me in its clutches because I know I’m never going to be truly happy unless I let go. It hasn’t been easy.

Memories leave long-lasting scars.

I’m not saying that…J.K.Rowling is, in The Order of the Phoenix (or something to that effect right after one of the characters is injured because he gets caught in tentacle-like memories.) But I’m not saying…I want to believe that time is a healer.

It is difficult enough to prise your own masochistic fingers off your bizarre past. And then there are other people to contend with. People from the past who won’t, just will not let you go. People in the present who will keep creating a new present linking you to the past, just as you’ve detached from it.

And then there are all the other things that were just themselves till yesterday and today, suddenly, remarkably, become reminders of the past.

I find myself saying and thinking things that I’ve heard from other people in the past. I find I’m becoming some of the people I’ve encountered (and not always favorably) in the past. It is spooky to suddenly find yourself in the other person’s shoes. It makes you think of them, with an unpleasant surprise, when you thought you had forgotten all about them and what connection you had with them. And then you realise you’re playing their role and wonder how the person who is now in the role you were in, is doing. It’s enough to make any disoriented.

So who am I really?

And then…I find this….

projections.jpg

All of us can get caught up in projecting movies of our own making onto the situations and people surrounding us. It happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgments; instead of taking responsibility for them and owning them, we try to attribute them to others.

A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless–a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is.

The only way out is to recognize the game. When you find a judgment arising about another, turn it around: Does what you see in others really belong to you? Is your vision clear, or clouded by what you want to see?

I, my, myself and my projections. So where do I end and the rest of the world begin?

8 thoughts on “Projections”
  1. “To let go isn’t to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.”
    ~anonymous

  2. Reminded me of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s “Who Am I?”

    Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
    Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
    Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
    Struggling for breath, as though hands were
    compressing my throat,
    Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
    Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
    Tossing in expectation of great events,
    Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
    Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
    Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

    Who am I? This or the other?
    Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
    Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
    And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
    Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
    Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
    Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
    Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

  3. I so know what ur talking about…

    I’ve been in and out of this rut for a while and all efforts seem futile..

    If you find a way out..leave the door ajar so that I can follow too..

  4. @ Wiseling, Echo: I wish I knew how to put that into practice.

    @ Querida: If I find a way out, I’ll probably become a messiah…and then it’ll be a religion. So maybe I’ll just keep quiet about it. But we should talk…about this and other things.

    @ KVN: We will, indeed.

  5. […] and seemingly-magical connections in my life. No wonder then I’m frequently bored…I’ve seen all of this before. Who’s got the time or the inclination..or the need, to recreate the entire production again? […]

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