The past few days I’ve been fighting to be free of my past. Old mistakes, bad decisions, hurtful memories, happy memories…everything that has had me in its clutches because I know I’m never going to be truly happy unless I let go. It hasn’t been easy.
Memories leave long-lasting scars.
I’m not saying that…J.K.Rowling is, in The Order of the Phoenix (or something to that effect right after one of the characters is injured because he gets caught in tentacle-like memories.) But I’m not saying…I want to believe that time is a healer.
It is difficult enough to prise your own masochistic fingers off your bizarre past. And then there are other people to contend with. People from the past who won’t, just will not let you go. People in the present who will keep creating a new present linking you to the past, just as you’ve detached from it.
And then there are all the other things that were just themselves till yesterday and today, suddenly, remarkably, become reminders of the past.
I find myself saying and thinking things that I’ve heard from other people in the past. I find I’m becoming some of the people I’ve encountered (and not always favorably) in the past. It is spooky to suddenly find yourself in the other person’s shoes. It makes you think of them, with an unpleasant surprise, when you thought you had forgotten all about them and what connection you had with them. And then you realise you’re playing their role and wonder how the person who is now in the role you were in, is doing. It’s enough to make any disoriented.
So who am I really?
And then…I find this….
All of us can get caught up in projecting movies of our own making onto the situations and people surrounding us. It happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgments; instead of taking responsibility for them and owning them, we try to attribute them to others.
A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless–a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is.
The only way out is to recognize the game. When you find a judgment arising about another, turn it around: Does what you see in others really belong to you? Is your vision clear, or clouded by what you want to see?
I, my, myself and my projections. So where do I end and the rest of the world begin?