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21 Comments

  1. Apoorva, guys are vying to get a mention from you now…yeh kya ho raha hai???

    Valhalla, I’m sure you’re protesting just for the heck of it…what the hell, where’s the fun in making up (or out!) if you don’t fight?

  2. Finally.. All my violent protests on XXFactor paid off! I got an honorable mention in this blog.. woohoo! And I’m all over the comments, what with Apoorva referring to me as awesome guy, and Aekta alluding to me as a needle in a haystack!

    Ok.. so I’m full of myself, but that’s just how my gender is, right Smithy?

    As usual, all the wise souls that frequent XXFactor have already stolen the remarks I intended to make, and then some.

    Your friend is one lucky gal, she is drop dead gorgeous, she evaded a potential train wreck of a relationship, and she has you as a friend.

    Being honest.. in my book, is not telling lies, and telling the truth where it is germane and not inappropriate. I may be all for absolute candidness in a relationship, but it simply may not work for some others. It would perhaps depend on the couple, and so I protest violently again…. It is NOT gender specific! 🙂

  3. when a girl is married before her puberty (as a bala) and remains in her parents home with the image of her husband, all her sexual fantasies and a dream lover get congealled with the image of her husband. After she attains puberty, she goes to live with her husband and family (who technically in those days truly took care of her like the Grihlakshmi-the wealth of the house). sigh, those were the days….(to be read with a huge dollop of NaCl)

  4. @Aketa: Wow! I don’t think those attempted deep breaths did any good, girl. It seemed like you were gasping for air over there. Easy.

    Underlining some Miller’s analogies in your comments-

    Men: Affairs – Women: Experiments.

    And since we are generalizing, so who’s more evil? And in defence if you say, that having an affair leads to a woman getting used and led on, agreed the man was manipulative and a total arsehole…then are you acknowledging that the women involved in such cases are just plain dense.

    “…in heat’, judged by none other …” Do you realize all the verdicts that you have passed in your comments! I know, it’s difficult to ‘practise what you preach’.

    Peace.

  5. Oh my god, yet another incident of telepathy, Idea!!!!

    Just yesterday I was reeling when I learnt that someone close has been a target of vicious gossip: she trusted a male friend with her sordid past, and he tainted her all over town as an easy lay and a man-eater, and even ‘sent’ a friend of his over to meet her ‘to have fun’.

    This is what you get for trusting men, I tell you. I can’t whip them enough right now. It IS gender specific: men who have slept around are ‘studs’, and women who have had more than one partner are ‘whores’.

    Oh sure there are nice guys out there, but frankly, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. Given a chance, almost EVERY man would flaunt his affairs, or make them up, or just shoot his mouth off about having slept with so-and-so even if she had nothing to do with him.

    And if a woman experiments around, she is a ‘bitch in heat’, judged by none other than those assholes themselves who had no qualms in misusing her trust in them, or by other assholes who WISH they could have had the opportunity too.

    Oh damn. I better take some deep breaths now before I explode in indignation.

  6. Actually I’d say, everyone can see how drop dead gorgeous my friend is. It just takes a wise man to see that her beauty extends to far beyond her face and body.

  7. The Friend:

    I know all of us have varying opinions on the whole issue of disclosing past relationships.I was wary even worried but when the conversation turned in the direction I did tell the the man about it.It did make me feel so much better when the whole thing was over and I gave him a piece of my mind.I agree Ideasmith that was the best advice you ever gave me cause there was no guilt,nothing weighing on my conscience when it was over.
    And Apoorva to answer your question -I am definitely drop dead gorgeous,just needs the right person to see it !!

  8. Brad, thought of writing XYFACTOR?? 😉

    Needless to say this whole issue of talking about ones past can be a sensitive one. Talk too much about it, it means you aint over the person yet. Talk about it on the first date, and its a complete – how can he talk about his ex thingy (which to me makes sense).

    Its a good idea to hold up till you are comfirtable with the person and then to let him know…. if he really cares about you, the past would not be a factor for judging you. Of course this is my opinion, so it could fail very badly 🙂

  9. You fellas should meet Teddy (her nickname), my ex-girlfriend.

    In the beginning, Teddy blabbers all about her ex-bf in bits and pieces, squirting unwanted information, she thinks she is sharing her past, I wasn’t asking, but after some initial teasers, I was forced to ask some questions, to which I got answers that I was better off without. I get a feeling that I am being compared. I didn’t say anything.

    When I don’t say anything, I got- “Brad, how come you don’t react at all? It’s almost like you don’t love me.”

    And finally, when the ‘subtle’ comparison goes beyond my tolerance limit, and I do say something, I got- “Grow up, it’s my past. I am not into him anymore. Don’t be jealous.”

    Damn, Danggitt!

  10. And your friend whose engagement broke up, looking at the big picture, I think it was a good thing to happen. Better than being tortured for dowry after marriage and spending the rest of your life with a jerk.

    Tell her I said that… and if she is drop dead gorgeous, tell her that she’ll find some awesome guys in the comments section of XXfactor 😉

  11. Ahhh… now for some adhyatma gyan for those who read this blogs comments.

    Tell. Speak. Share the the past. I think its always better. If your to be significant other can take it now, its good for you. If he/she cant, then its better to have resolved issues now than after tying the knot. Imagine your ex being your significant others distant friend who you meet few months after marriage and he’s like – “Heck, I dated her.” Now that could be a potential problem for the significant others who cant take it. Always better to lay things upfront – “This is how it was. The past cannot be changed. Take or leave”

    On the personal front, I wouldnt really care about my girlfriend or to be wife telling me about her past. Its not the past but the present and future which matters more to me. But yeah, its good to know the past for the following scenario

    Her ex comes onto the scene and says – “Hey. I dated her once. Did she tell ya about blah blah blah?”
    Me: “Oh yeah. All of that and also the jerk that you had been”

    Always better to confide in the one you gonna spend the rest of your life with.

    *Knowledge transfer completed*

  12. First, honesty as a gender thingy, not sure how that connection has come up.

    Second, i think i’ll prefer keeping mum on a subject if i think that telling the truth is not going to help in any way than by hurting the other person. Truth is such a many-layered thing, it varies coz of yr perspective too…

    Love is supposed to be a universal feeling, but it isnt without a feeling of possessiveness. In that case, the unravelling of the past is sometimes tough of the listener; might be too much for him/her to think of their pardner with some prick.

    And of course, we get what we deserve. Pricks always end up with pricks. The better ones with the better ones 🙂

  13. Firstly, I do not see the problem in having been in a relationship/s with some other people, before getting married. I also do not know why does one think it is mandatory to tell your spouse about your past. It is the past; you jumped, you fell, you got up and walked on; what’s the compulsion to tell your spouse everything. It’s your past, and you have a right to privacy.

    Of course, if one does feel the need to ‘tell’, then one should. One should also decide how to put it, depending on your spouse’s ability to accept/handle the info. Since this facet of your spouse in an arranged marriage, is not easily discernible, most people have their doubts of divulging information. Hence the concept of dating, where you do the talking and stuff, if at all deemed necessary.

  14. can I see u r photo? this is not at all related to ur current blog..but I am amazed the way u write…just wanted to see the creator of this nice stuff..

  15. Well I know BOTH men and women who have serious “issues” about peoples’ pasts. Goes to show it takes all kinds…
    — These kinda people deserve each other I guess…

    I have also come across hypocrits who have had a lot of “fun” in life but are looking for someone without a past as a lifepartner..
    — These kinda people deserve the kinda people who lie about their past relationships…

    Having said that…I’d say anyone who wants a “REAL” relationship.. should be willing to deal with and move past their own and their partners’ past.. It might even be difficult in certain situations.. but I guess that’s the price you pay for an “honest” relationship.

    With the new generation, I guess it isn’t that big a deal… I mean like you said.. You’d probably think there is something WRONG with someone who hasn’t had an “interaction” with someone of the opposite (or same ??) sex.. So eventually it’ll be the “norm” rather than an “exception” to have had some history..

    Maybe that’s why this problem is more likely to rear its head in the context of arranged marriages.. Where two people from GEN-X (or Z mebbe ?) are being brought together by their parents.. there is ALREADY a huge generation-gap-divide as far as ideologies are concerned… So its easy for the situation to get messed up…

    As far as your friend goes (and others like her..).. I’d say, the next time.. maybe she should be more “sure” about the person.. before she talks about her past with him.. and DEFINITELY before she says “Yes”…

    Ok..so now I’M rambling…

    I shall stop…

    -anon1

  16. Hmm Is it not hard for anyone, male or female, to easily accept (emphasis on easily) that their future life partner has had past relationships? I know of men, and also women, who had their first relationship with someone who had been in a relationship before! I would hardly think honesty has anything to do with gender.

    You are right in saying that it would be too naive to expect that your future life-partner was not involved in any relationship. But it is just this natural discomfort everyone faces in “telling” because society demands and accepts monogamy. And for some reason, even the relationships from past seem to matter in this.

    If any guy is actually expecting his woman to lie and accept that she has led her life without any crushes/ relationships/ infatuations, he is fooling himself. And the same applies to girls. The gender differentiation is lost on me, really!

  17. smithy: i dunno abt other guys… but let me get this straight.. i can only be violent with an ant… thats where i feel powerful… and i am not the retaliation kinds as well… too laid back to retaliate…

    you left out one thing in sampling in statistics… the extreme readings are always dropped… else they result in wrong results… all i ever said was drop off the extreme readings… the ones that are general aint all that bad… but then probably there is something called destiny… because not a single man that i have met or been around with (i have loads and loads of friends) have any of these stated characterestics… they have always been good to people (regardless of gender)…

    and yes i do completely agree with you that honesty is the ONLY policy… and that has nothing, let me reiterate, NOTHING to do with gender… if it didnt work out, that was never meant to be 🙂