Evolution

Processing abuse, trauma and other experiences and finding meaning, hope & inspiration to move on.

Better Days
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Better Days

For some months now, Clubhouse has been my new social media toy. It has also been my solace, my refuge during the soul-shattering COVID-19 second wave. I’ve made friendships of a very different kind from any I’ve had before (even counting the pioneering days of chatrooms, blogs & Twitter). Hearing…

I Would Like To Leave This Way
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I Would Like To Leave This Way

๐˜ž๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ & ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜จ๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ฆ. Smiling like I have a secret. Amused yet kind. I would like to leave in peace. ๐˜–๐˜ค๐˜ค๐˜ถ๐˜ฑ๐˜บ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ด๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ฆ ๐˜ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ & ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜บ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ, ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ง๐˜บ. I would like to leave without worrying about what I leave behind….

Bombay Is Beautiful When It Doesn’t Rain
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Bombay Is Beautiful When It Doesn’t Rain

I mean, look at that sky! I’m rekindling my love affair with the city. Just like any romance, it feels terrifying, disorienting & sometimes overwhelming. I thought I knew this island for life, that its metamorphosing roads would never feel unfamiliar to me. Then I find myself losing my way…

I Don’t Want To Move On
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I Don’t Want To Move On

I’ve done it before. Many times, many ways. ‘Moving on’ contains an element of escapism. Do you know how I know? Because the next thing that gets said is, “What else will you do?” There is taking action in an extreme situation like abuse. But many of us ‘move on’…

When Abandonment Wounds Are Your Teacher
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When Abandonment Wounds Are Your Teacher

There comes a point when you have to act like the person who left you will never come back. It’s essential to accept it in order to seek healing. But at some point, you must also ask yourself that if they do return, whether you’ll take them back. That’ll tell…

Love Gardener
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Love Gardener

We have to separate the feeling from the person who inspires them. We are so literal, we use the words “my love” to describe a sentiment as well as a person. But our feelings are entirely our own, to process, to draw from for poetry, to express in our ways,…

A Rather Long Monologue But It’s Poetic
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A Rather Long Monologue But It’s Poetic

Loving and being loved are two entirely different, independent human experiences. We are not taught either. If we’re lucky both of them are modeled for us in clear, unambiguous ways. But I live in a culture of overpopulation & poverty where the very act of survival is the biggest achievement…

Love Language
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Love Language

LOVE LANGUAGE – my journey deciphering my experiences through the words of love songs in different languages

Where’s The Flirty Party?
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Where’s The Flirty Party?

Flirting feels like a massive party I haven’t been invited to. A concert that’s playing all around me & everyone’s vibing to it, except me. I can’t hear it, I can’t see it. I can pick up when people are attracted to me but that’s from years of being the…

So Long & Thanks For All The Sunshine!
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So Long & Thanks For All The Sunshine!

I have never enjoyed the rain & we have at least another month of it. My allergies flare up, I struggle to breathe, everything smells musty, feels itchy. And the grey, gloomy skies dampen my immunity & my spirits.I’ve been cycling for a month now. Tentatively & then defensively, first…

๐—Ÿ๐—˜๐—ฆ๐—ฆ๐—ข๐—ก๐—ฆ ๐—ข๐—™ ๐—Ÿ๐—˜๐—ข ๐Ÿ‘‘
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๐—Ÿ๐—˜๐—ฆ๐—ฆ๐—ข๐—ก๐—ฆ ๐—ข๐—™ ๐—Ÿ๐—˜๐—ข ๐Ÿ‘‘

The month was full of learning. 2020 was hard, getting hit by a pandemic no one had seen the likes of. But 2021 was the slow, grueling grind back into a world that will never be the same. The soul-crushing realisation that all things break – stability, connections & worst…

๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ท๐Ÿ…ด ๐Ÿ…ฟ๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ…ป๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ…ฒ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†‚๐Ÿ…ฝ’๐Ÿ†ƒ ๐Ÿ…น๐Ÿ†„๐Ÿ†‚๐Ÿ†ƒ ๐Ÿ…ฟ๐Ÿ…ด๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†‚๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ…ฝ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป, ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†ƒ’๐Ÿ†‚ ๐Ÿ…ด๐Ÿ…ผ๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ…ฝ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป
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๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ท๐Ÿ…ด ๐Ÿ…ฟ๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ…ป๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ…ฒ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†‚๐Ÿ…ฝ’๐Ÿ†ƒ ๐Ÿ…น๐Ÿ†„๐Ÿ†‚๐Ÿ†ƒ ๐Ÿ…ฟ๐Ÿ…ด๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†‚๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ…ฝ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป, ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ†ƒ’๐Ÿ†‚ ๐Ÿ…ด๐Ÿ…ผ๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ธ๐Ÿ…พ๐Ÿ…ฝ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป

Why do abused women support misogynist regimes? Maybe it’s because their violators were feminists. What, is that not possible? Yes, it is. I’m living proof that it happens. Feminism, activism, promises & politics are words. Hot air, marks on surfaces. Sometimes those marks are wounds on bodies & minds. Ideas…

๐—ช๐—›๐—˜๐—ก ๐—ง๐—›๐—˜ ๐—–๐—ข๐—–๐—ข๐—ข๐—ก ๐—œ๐—ฆ ๐—ง๐—ข๐—ข ๐—ฆ๐— ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—Ÿ
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๐—ช๐—›๐—˜๐—ก ๐—ง๐—›๐—˜ ๐—–๐—ข๐—–๐—ข๐—ข๐—ก ๐—œ๐—ฆ ๐—ง๐—ข๐—ข ๐—ฆ๐— ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—Ÿ

When you go long enough turning scars into art, you start thinking of wounds as poetry. And the cacophony of imaginary voices, as the orchestra of your soul. You seek out people who call you beautiful when you bleed. People who willing aid you in that process, a little too…

Hard To Love
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Hard To Love

I am hard to love. This is not news to me. This has been expressed in a range of ways, covert & overt, verbal & otherwise. The revelation is that it has only partly to do with who & how I am. The rest has to do with who &…

โ–‘โ–’โ–“โ–ˆ ๐Ÿ…ฑ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†„๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป ๐Ÿ„ฑ๐Ÿ„ธ๐Ÿ„ฝ๐Ÿ„ฐ๐Ÿ…๐Ÿ…ˆ โ–ˆโ–“โ–’โ–‘

โ–‘โ–’โ–“โ–ˆ ๐Ÿ…ฑ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†„๐Ÿ†ƒ๐Ÿ…ฐ๐Ÿ…ป ๐Ÿ„ฑ๐Ÿ„ธ๐Ÿ„ฝ๐Ÿ„ฐ๐Ÿ…๐Ÿ…ˆ โ–ˆโ–“โ–’โ–‘

I looked up the meaning of ‘brutalise’. I discovered it means two things.1. To make brutal2. To be brutal And everywhere I looked, the first came with more explanation. We assume the quality of brutality is not inherent in people, that it is caused by having experienced such behaviour oneself….

เฝงแœฐ๊™ฐ๊ฆฟโžข ๐—ก๐—˜๐—ช ๐—ก๐—ข๐—ฅ๐— ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—ฆ เผ’
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เฝงแœฐ๊™ฐ๊ฆฟโžข ๐—ก๐—˜๐—ช ๐—ก๐—ข๐—ฅ๐— ๐—”๐—Ÿ๐—ฆ เผ’

I don’t think I grasped that a new normal would have to be a new idea of normal. I don’t know if I’ll ever travel by junta public transport again, the second class compartments, the trains & metros. By the time it may be safe to, I may not physically…

Read The Room
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Read The Room

Clubhouse has really brought home the meaning of this phrase. The ability to read a room is a fundamental social skill involving waiting, watching & listening. Any adult who doesn’t display this is choosing not to. People wander into rooms with clear titles, raise their hands to be called up…

โ™Œ ๐”ธ๐•Œ๐”พ๐•Œ๐•Š๐•‹ โ„๐•€๐”ป๐•€โ„•๐”พ ๐Ÿฆ
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โ™Œ ๐”ธ๐•Œ๐”พ๐•Œ๐•Š๐•‹ โ„๐•€๐”ป๐•€โ„•๐”พ ๐Ÿฆ

I started cycling. It’s a wobbly road back into the world, hard for me used to coping with fear by retreating into a shell & forgetting that I’m in a shell. But August approaches. It’s Leo season, that promises & demands strength, courage, vitality, things that cannot be contained inside…

๐•ญ๐–”๐–—๐–‰๐–Š๐–—๐–˜
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๐•ญ๐–”๐–—๐–‰๐–Š๐–—๐–˜

You had me at eye contactKind words & other trespassesBut you are uncomfortable in silencesIn the no-manโ€™s land of sighs & whispersIn sensations that carry no words, feelings that floatSo you find your comfort in speed & speech Make it quick, you tell me,ย this โ€˜weโ€™ thingDraw us a borderOr you-and-meย might…

The First Time After

The First Time After

We think of firsts as one-time only things. And we assume they’re the domain of the young, the uninitiated. Maybe ‘maturity’ is just a bitter word for loss of whatever makes us find the new. And yet, the universe is hardly finite. Time, unpredictable. It’s a lifelong journey of self-discovery….