Evolution

Processing abuse, trauma and other experiences and finding meaning, hope & inspiration to move on.

The Compassion Chemical
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The Compassion Chemical

I have been thinking about compassion. I find there’s no room for it in the stories we embrace to guide our lives. It is this that makes me feel I’m overflowing out of my body, spaces & life. What I have in me is labelled & pre-valued for tangible effects….

A Door Called Discomfort
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A Door Called Discomfort

Some days are recuperation. Some days are comfort. And some days are sitting with discomfort because that’s the name on the door behind which we stuff pain. Maybe it’s because I am facing head-on, things that trigger me and trying to learn new responses in doing so. Maybe it’s another…

The Bureacracy Of Time Travel
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The Bureacracy Of Time Travel

In 2019, I matched with someone on a dating app. We were having a great conversation, which in itself was surprising. Trying to find anything (companionship, laughter, connection, fun, attraction) via the interwebs designed to turn human response into capitalist touchpoints – is counterintuitive. What made it extra surprising was,…

Learning From Echoes
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Learning From Echoes

The thing about living through abuse, especially its public forms, is that after you get out, you start the process of surviving the memories of other people. You have to live through the echoes of the things you couldn’t hear. You remember the ones who saw you suffer & never…

Pandemic Old

Pandemic Old

“How are you? How have you been? Who are you?” I don’t know how to answer these questions anymore, where once I had perfectly formulated, sure-as-steel answers. I’m still catching my breath and making sense of sounds. I’m experiencing the first summer in two years. In many ways, it is…

Punks & Cheese
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Punks & Cheese

You are made for instant love stories,for picture-perfect odes,for sweet-scented songs,for candy smiles& dimple kisses I carry a pen dipped in bloodA shiv serves a chalkas I punk upa symmetric story& make it minewith a sweaty handprint Which is why I say nomore often than hell yes!(the only yes I…

Lemonade
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Lemonade

Little bits of crueltydrop off your wordslike ice shardsoff a glass of nimboopanithat still has a sliver or twoof lemon floating in itย And I hesitate to point it out I want to pick it out of your beingBefore you taste your own sournessBefore you have to swallowyour imperfectionsAnd before the…

My Solo Dating Life
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My Solo Dating Life

Solo dates are my most enjoyable dates. Everything else is a blur of regressive social rituals, burdensome insights into other people slipping out from badly created pretences. The agency to be solo is hardwon. Solitude is a privilege for women. Everyone tries to fill up a woman’s time with their…

Sweet Tooth
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Sweet Tooth

This was written for the prompt Sweet | given by Girish Krishnakumar for Alphabet Sambar’s weekly themed mic room. ~O~O~O~O~O~O~ Sweet Tooth. I didn’t have one. There was no room for sweetness in my world that demanded the efficiency of kitchen logistics & transactions of nutrition. Or the speed of…

A Skin Of Dignity
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A Skin Of Dignity

The first ebook I ever bought was ‘Cuckold’ by Kiran Nagarkar. It had come highly recommended by the man seated next to me at a literature festival. A stranger, the two of us bonding in those sudden intimacies that are the magic of city life (if you don’t try to…

SOARING SOLO
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SOARING SOLO

Life feels easier when you realise they don’t understand you. Can’t, won’t try & probably never will. But that is okay because when there’s no one around to live your life for you, is when you start to breathe. And you realise you don’t need anyone to understand you. It…

I Don’t Belong Here
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I Don’t Belong Here

These carefree whistlersgirls throwing hearts & bodies outto men who will let them falland men who will pick them uponly to throw them backI have been thrown away,thrown over, thrown backI don’t belong here The screaming thundersdripping rage & accusationsto fertile minds that will turn theminto gangrene & cancerThe storms…

Gehraiyaan: A Good Galentine’s Day Release & An Okay Solo Date Watch
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Gehraiyaan: A Good Galentine’s Day Release & An Okay Solo Date Watch

Spoiler alert: This post talks about the film Gehraiyaan & references several key plot points. If you haven’t seen the film & plan to, please do not read further. Trigger warnings: Childhood neglect, self-harm, abuse, infidelity. ~O~O~O~O~O~O~ Yes, I said that. I know today is Valentine’s Day & this film…

When Mumbai Awakens Again
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When Mumbai Awakens Again

I’ve been tentatively getting out. December was for cautious celebrations of a dinner here, a lunch there, a bookshop browsing. It has felt scary to hope, guilty to celebrate after the pain of the last two years. January’s third wave was yet another cautionary tale. But also a lesson that…

๐—ฆ๐—˜๐—Ÿ๐—™-๐—Ÿ๐—ข๐—ฉ๐—˜ ๐—™๐—ข๐—ฅ ๐—š๐—œ๐—ฅ๐—Ÿ๐—ฆ๐Ÿคนโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคธ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ
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๐—ฆ๐—˜๐—Ÿ๐—™-๐—Ÿ๐—ข๐—ฉ๐—˜ ๐—™๐—ข๐—ฅ ๐—š๐—œ๐—ฅ๐—Ÿ๐—ฆ๐Ÿคนโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคธ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

Girl, love yourself though it be hard. I know sis, I know, I’m there with you too. Though I don’t quite know how to do this right, I’m learning. And this means unlearning everything we have been taught since birth about what love means, what us means, what I means….

Meditations From 2021

Meditations From 2021

It got harder and harder to write in the end of 2021 as feelings drowned me. But I managed to grab a few words & held onto them like my last hope. I just wasn’t able to be my more industrious self & blog them. Maybe I let that side…

Last Mile Hope
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Last Mile Hope

The most uncomfortable thing about the pandemic has been living with Fearful Me. I never liked fear. I can’t even enjoy rollercoasters, speed or horror stories as entertainment. I’ve evaded fear with plans, efficiency, aggression. Because fear paralyses me, I’ve been scared of stopping & never being able to start…

Following The Star
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Following The Star

This was my Christmas 2021 post. ~O~O~O~O~O~O~ I always liked Christmas. It had to do with growing up in a Hindu family in a Christian village. Religion was up, close & intrusive as it is in India. But Christianity began with school prayers & ended with cake & Santa Claus…

I See Hope Silently
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I See Hope Silently

Let the waves comeLet the winds blowLet me be soaked, burnt, frozenTrampled by every manner of foe Let the shouts riseLet the voices echoLet there be slogans, insults, criesAnd words that land like blows I will melt, I will breakI will drown, I will searI will bear every wound &…

Hope Grows In My Garden ๐ŸŒฑ
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Hope Grows In My Garden ๐ŸŒฑ

I’ve been a plant parent for 12 years. I started with a sprig of ajwain stuck in a pot & it grew & grew. Some of you adopted its babies in little pots & they grow with proud fortitude in your homes. Over the years, I added herbs (kadi-patta, pudina,…