Second COVID Stupid – Smooth Egg Brain

The second dark COVID of my soul is here except it doesn’t feel quite as dark.

The first time around, the sickness punched me right across my worst pain points (just like my ex) and left me reeling, disoriented, and unfocused. Things happened after that, mostly without my plan, calendar dates passed, meetings came and went, and opportunities may have cropped up and been grasped at and slipped away or just passed me by. I started to feel glad to survive COVID and have a much-needed break from stress, worry & responsibility. Maybe not.

The second time around, I was expecting the hit. It feels fated. Like I’ve been written into a sort of abuse-trauma-violence-hatred-narcissism-pain-horror cycle that I can’t fight my way out of. For a while, I thought it was a victory to triumph over the people and situations that brought me these. Then I thought the real triumph was to learn and be more, grow stronger, and wiser with each experience. Last COVID made me believe survival was my win, my prize, my treasure. Now, I can’t seem to hold any of these ideas any more.

Maybe my life was filled with opportunities for great things once. Maybe I was hoping for a big life. But those have gone by. Maybe I tried too hard at some, maybe I was too stupid to do so with others. It doesn’t matter, does it, when the game has been rigged against you from the start?

Being programmed to carry pain that is not yours, to take responsibility for other people’s dramas, to endure violence that you never asked for, to accept abuse as if you deserve it – these things are flesh-eating parasites that never leave your being. And there forward, it’s just hurtling disoriented from one wreckage to the next. How long before you realise the wreck is you?

It seems stupid to hold on to anything anymore. I feel stupid in a way that also feels peaceful. Like all memories, traumas, motivations, and emotions are going whoosh off the surface of a brain that’s become smooth as an egg. What was I saying? Nothing. Nothing that matters. Because nothing does.

It’s peaceful.