Do I have the courage to be loved by that which is bigger than me? Yes, it’s a question of courage. Also of ego. The spiritual masters say that love is a lesson in your own projections & insights on your being that appear as reflections in the beloved. I don’t know if I’m ready for that crystal mirror yet.

Love demands so much. I have never yet had to face the disappointment of not being enough. Only of being treated like I wasn’t as a projection of other people’s inadequacies. But now, I am to acknowledge my smallness & strive forever to greatness. To realise off & on, that this striving is greedy & destructive & egoistic. To sit in the smallness of fear & inequality. To not feel defeated. To learn to be second. To remember that this is not to be inequal.

Maybe it is not about the beloved at all. Maybe it is about realising the insignificance of your own reflections. Maybe the beloved can be, is, quite ordinary. That’s another gargantuan disappointment to deal with then. Yes, another projection of disappointment in the self. But still.

What of the love of the other? Maybe we are just infinite reflections in shifting mirrors

It is so exhausting, there will probably never again be time to think of or be anything else. But what else is there?

πŸ“Έ: Worli-Koliwada fort, December 2019

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