I said to myself. Hate, violence, abuse – these breed more of their own when left unchecked. It’s easy to use them to explain why you inflict them on others. That explains it, it doesn’t justify it. So I say no. No to addiction, no to promiscuity, no to easy ways out. No to lashing out, no to throwing someone else under the bus, no to preying on the unsuspecting, no to making my problems my prideful power. No, no, no. This stops with me.

I have needed someone to remember me as hopeful. Someone to tell me I’m gentle. Standing alone in a swarm of self-haters, it gets very difficult not to get some of that poison in your nose, other people’s tears burning your eyes.

But pain will not break you. Disappointment will not break you. Rejection will not break you. It’s important to remember. The only thing that can break you, is you.

We are constantly rebuilding, patching up. Some days that’s just paper over tears. Pain is a drug but so is healing. When will you realise that other people’s rage is not about you, I ask myself. It never was. This drug does not sit right. It wasn’t made in me; it’s not made for me. So this, I have to tell myself when no one else can, this stops with me.


This is part of my series titled Midlife Pandemic, where I look back at the internal shifts, my wrong turns & my healing. I also asked my Instagram followers to help me think through this with a series of questions. I’d also love to hear your answers to any or all of the questions so post them in the comments!

  1. What was a milestone age in your life and why?
  2. Tell me about a big disappointment and how you dealt with it.
  3. Is there something in your life you regret & how has it impacted your life?
  4. When did you start caring for yourself and how?
  5. Self-worth. An incident or time in your life that impacted it. Tell me.
  6. Where have you hidden yourself?
  7. Tell me a time you surprised yourself with how well you’ve been able to cope.
  8. What has been the best age for you to have been so far & why?


If you liked this post, you’ll want to follow the Facebook Page and the Youtube channel. I’m Ramya Pandyan (a.k.a. Ideasmith) and I’m on Twitter and Instagram.

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